You know why film adaptations of games just never work out? Because they’re choosing all the wrong games, obviously. If Hollywood really wants to cash in on all this gaming stuff, they’d be better off hiring these guys to make these movies.

The Sims
Directed by Sam Raimi

When the front door of their house mysteriously vanishes in the night, the lives of a suburban couple quickly become a waking nightmare as rancid pizza boxes and an overflowing toilet cause their environment quotients to plummet into the red. With tempers breaching crisis, John and Mary Smith must confront their own personal demons and unrelieved bladders as their household electronics randomly begin failing. But it’s the burned lobster thermidor that really unleashes hell.

WarCraft*
Directed by James Cameron

The reckless indifference and profligate atrocities of corporate self-interest are laid tragically bare in this 4 ½ hour epic, when the world of Draenor, inhabited by a race of elegant, beautiful green anthropomorphic pigs, is invaded by a hostile human force intent on robbing it of all its trees, gold, and food.

Viva Piñata
Directed by JJ Abrams

A crate of 70 or so Piñata washes up on an uncharted island after the cargo ship carrying it is sunk by an electromagnetic pulse from an alien mining vessel in low orbit. The survivors make a new garden for themselves on the beach, but soon find themselves under assault by mysterious aggressors and Polollybears. When it becomes apparent that no rescue is coming, Buzzlegum, Kittytoad, Fudgehog, and a few other Piñata set out to explore the island, and discover a strange hatch deep in the jungle. When hitting it repeatedly with a shovel fails to precipitate any sort of reaction, the Piñata plant grass around it instead. Nothing much happens for the next 90 minutes, except Cinnamonkey dies and comes back to life and nobody can come up with a good explanation for it.

The Legend of Zelda
Directed by the Coen Brothers

The battered body of “Princess Zelda”, a local prostitute, is found in the boot of a car   abandoned outside a logging mill in North Dakota. With no forensic evidence on the scene, the county sheriff is baffled until an eccentric mute named Link, a secondhand car salesman and former client of Princess’s, vanishes. Meanwhile, some old gambling associates of Link’s turn up in town, looking to steal a rare antique Link was rumoured to own. Everybody dies in the end.

Frogger
Directed by Michael Bay

A frog has to cross a busy highway to save the world from an incoming asteroid, an assault from a bunch of evil robots, and a giant iPod™. Everything explodes. In slow motion. Then the frog’s ex-wife realises he wasn’t such a bad frog after all, and gets back together with him.

*Yes, we realise that a Warcraft movie is in production