The last few weeks I’ve been doing quite a bit of ranting. I try to pepper my weekly columns with some more light-hearted reading, but it seems the last month has given me plenty to be angry about.

So for a change of pace from all the ranting about video games, I’ll instead be ranting about video game movies. As to not disappoint those expecting an Activision rant, however, I’ll very subtly work in some Kotick insults. You’ll hardly even notice.

Any gamer worth his salt is also undoubtedly a movie buff, and I feel as a culture we are somewhat connoisseurs in that regard. Of course, nothing can pique our interest quite like a movie based on one of our favourite games. Unfortunately, this has developed into a somewhat masochistic relationship, as with each new video game movie release, we find ourselves inexorably drawn in to its web of atrocity. 

While most of these poor movies can be viewed and quickly forgotten, some of them are so awful they’re actually offensive. In that vein, here is my list of 5 movies which need to be wiped from the record books.

5. Bloodrayne

Any self-respecting nerd knows who Uwe Boll is. The name has been burned into their minds, as it is the name of the enemy. No one man has been responsible for such an abundance of crap (sorry Bobby) – and about 95% of is movies based on video games. 

Bloodrayne may be the worst of the lot, as it shows what an abysmal director is truly capable of. How a remarkable actor like Ben Kingsley (Oscar-winning, Schindler’s List and Gandhi starring Ben Kingsley), ended up in this steaming pile is a mystery most probably explained by alcohol, hard drugs or a lost bet. 

If you like scantily clad women prancing about with swords and frontal nudity, you still shouldn’t watch this movie. The swords clank with a distinctly plastic note, the fight sequences are awful and the nudity doesn’t happen early enough for it to be worth it.

Seriously, look at that sword. Is that tinfoil?

4. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

At the tender age of 10, I was too young to understand the on-screen abortion I was bearing witness to.  Still, I knew enough to know that something terrible was happening.  My favourite characters were kicking ass in ridiculous costumes, but I just couldn’t get past Raiden looking like a homeless biker, or Shao-Kahn sounding like that guy from Star Trek with the receding hairline (turns out he was that guy). 

I don’t even know where to start with this. The plot holes are bigger than the plot itself, to the point where it feels like you’re the only one not privy to some kind of inside joke. Raiden inexplicably appears with a shaved head halfway through, which seems suspiciously like actor James Remar got drunk on set and pulled a Britney. Liu Kang (understandably pissed) asks Raiden how the portal to Earth has been opened after they supposedly closed it for 100 years in the first film. To which Raiden responds with the line that the whole plot hinges on – “What closes may also open again!” Thanks for clearing that up.

Add to this the horrific one-liners, choppy, poorly edited fight sequences and acting performances unworthy of a music video and you have all the elements necessary to create one of the worst video game movies of all time. 

Yeah, that’s how my face looked as well, Jax.

3. Alone in the Dark

There is only one man in the movie industry that could cast Tara Reid as a scientist, and that man is Uwe Boll. Appearing in an Uwe Boll movie is a bit like a sick dog slipping out of the house in the early hours of the morning – you know it’s just trying to find a quiet place to die (I expect to see Val Kilmer in a Bioshock adaptation any day now). Tara Reid certainly is no loss, but I am sad to see Christian Slater here. You used to be cool man.

It’s painful enough watching the once-star of Broken Arrow rattling off wince-worthy one-liners like Van Damme on methamphetamines; what really puts you over the edge is the obnoxiously vapid Tara Reid being incapable of even pretending that she’s smart. Rather insultingly, even the special effects are terrible. It’s like the whole movie was rushed out in a year to be in time for the Christmas season.

Trying to make Tara Reid look like a scientist is like trying to make Bobby Kotick look like a human being.

2. House of the Dead

House of the Dead is another contribution from this list’s MVP, Uwe Boll. Seriously, this guy churns out so many shockers I’m starting to think he’s doing it on purpose. 

Ben Kingsley and co. turned down these roles (perhaps not yet discovering substance abuse) – the movie is jam-packed full of actors tired of being extras in toothpaste commercials. If Bloodrayne taught us anything though, the actors don’t make a difference when Uwe Boll is at the helm. Did I mention the plot makes about the same amount of sense as Modern Warfare 2’s?

The German schlock-maestro even cuts in clips of actual gameplay; just in case the movie had left you too brain-dead to remember what it’s based on. However, this one may actually be worth watching, purely so you can laugh at some of the most unintentionally hilarious dialogue ever written.  Check out this gem:

Rudy: You did all this to become immortal. Why?

Castillo: To live forever!

Pure gold. 

“Good thing I never go to raves on remote islands without my giant sword.”

1. Mario Bros.

There really couldn’t be another number 1. While all these movies are terrible, no one really cares about the desecration of Bloodrayne and Modern Warfare House of the Dead.  But Mario, Mario is sacred. And nothing sacred should feature Dennis Hopper with a stupid haircut and weird, Earthworm Jim-looking dinosaurs wearing suits. 

The plot was so stupid it’s not worth the effort of typing, nor was it worth the effort of trying to piece together. Most of us were already having a seizure before this movie hit the halfway mark.  While you get the impression that the creators were trying to make this good, a decent cast and a truckload of special effects couldn’t stop hardcore Mario fans from trying to scratch their eyes out. 

I couldn’t bring myself to put a picture of the movie here. I’ll rather leave you with a taste of nostalgia, as opposed to the taste of vomit in your mouth.

Am I an ignorant philistine who doesn’t appreciate the artistic genius of zombies and naked sophomores? Argue with me in the forums, or comment below