Since my last guide, I’ve literally received a few e-mails from readers thanking me for saving them from a life of certain miserable solitude and anime figurine collecting. I also received multiple marriage proposals, a job offer from Bobby Kotick and several requests for help from some of my close friends in the Nigerian royal family, but you don’t want to hear about all that.
The other kinds of e-mails I got had a more dissatisfied tone. Some people had no interest in/time for a girlfriend (read: fear of rejection) and were much more interested in my claims of speedrunning Demon’s Souls with one hand while finishing my doctoral thesis with the other. In short, they wanted to become, like me, the ultimate gamer.
These are secrets I have closely guarded for years, but in the twilight of my reign, I think it is time to share them with the world.
Step 1: Get Buff
It’s a common misconception that hardcore gamers give suggestions of physical exercise the same dirty look usually reserved for The Sims. The fact is, if you want to be the best of the best, you have to put in the work.
As with all things, if you want to do the best, you need the best tools for the job. The most important tool in your gaming arsenal is of course, the thumb. I see plenty of aspiring gamers attempting to master their controllers with the weak-thumbed ineptitude of a newborn chimp.
In order to whip those infant’s thumbs into shape, you’re going to need to utilize the Super Mario of gamer exercises – the thumb push up. Do about 700 of these each day, until your thumb is about twice the size of your big toe. Once you’ve reached your goal, you can reduce your daily regime to a few hundred – for maintenance.
Use increasingly large rings to increase weight.
Step 2: Have No Fear
The greatest people in the world don’t get to where they are by being scared. Fatal1ty didn’t reach the top by winning the Wii Tennis tournament at the local retirement village. To become the best, you have to play like you are the best.
When I played Call of Duty 4, I laughed hysterically at the hardest level’s description – “You will not survive.” Then I beat the game in 27 minutes and sued Activision for false advertising. Now I drive a better car than Kotick, and West and Zampella are out of a job.
If you haven’t at least achieved 100% completion on Super Meat Boy stop reading now and come back when you’re not a limp-wristed child. Only one difficulty setting should ever exist for you.
Fatal1ty may have won, but he didn’t feel good about it.
Step 3: Commitment
Normal people have time for mundane distractions such as family, work and eating. You don’t. If Jessica Alba asks you out on a date, you tell her she can watch you beat Battletoads with your toes.
I will now test your commitment with this scientifically proven test:
Which of the following options is optimal for success?
1. You should make friends with people who are better than you so you can learn.
2. You should make enemies of the people who are better than you.
3. You should ignore the people who are better than you and focus on yourself.
If you picked options 1, 2 or 3 you failed the test. The correct answer is “No one is better than you.”
This is how an ultimate gamer eats their lunch.
Step 4: Leave No Doubt
If you’re going to be the best, you want to be unquestionably the best. You need to be so much better than everyone else that no one would even consider arguing the point.
The gaming world is like a prison yard. You need to find the biggest, baddest gamer and crush him horribly in his best game – this will need to be done for every genre. Destroy the best jock at Halo, the best adolescent at Guitar Hero, the best hipster at Plants vs Zombies, the best homeless person at Street Fighter and the best girl at Farmville. Yes – even Farmville. Last week a girl challenged me to Farmville and within an hour I’d given her so many extra strawberries it crashed the Facebook servers. Luckily Mark Zuckerberg owes me money.
This took me exactly 13.7 seconds.
Step 5: ???
As the ultimate gamer, you are likely to incite a ton of internet rage from the lesser mortals you defeat on your way to the top. It is important to reciprocate good manners, but if you’re getting insulted, it’s even more important to take action.
To beat the troll, we must understand the troll. The most important thing to remember is that the last thing you want to do is get involved in an actual argument – this is what the troll wants. The troll wants you to be as angry and irritated as he/she is. Your goal is two-tiered; you want to make the troll as angry as possible, while remaining unfazed yourself. Here is an example of what you don’t want to be doing.
Troll: LOLZ WHY SO BAD BRO
You: You must be a troll sir, because you’re really getting my goat.
Not only is this embarrassingly lame, it also engages the troll in a discussion and makes you seem weirdly obsessed with childhood fairy tales. Both of these are big no-nos.
Instead, you need to harness the power of the question mark. Allow me to demonstrate:
Troll: lol what kind of noob makes mass marines
You: ?
This is like troll Kryptonite. With that simple punctuation, you’ve given the troll zero ammo to work with, confused him as to an appropriate response, not engaged him/her in a discussion and most importantly, given the subtle impression that you think he’s an idiot.
Oh yeah. He’s just been ?’d.
Step 6: The Final Challenge
Unfortunately, there can only be one ultimate gamer. In the final challenge, the student must defeat the master. If I am to lose, I hope it is to one of you.
If you are ready to face me, meet me in my parents’ basement as the clock strikes twelve – bring your Red Bull, controller, eyedrops and plastic guitar. This will be the ultimate test.
Do you have what it takes to be the ultimate gamer? Do you think you already are? Tell us in the forums, or comment below!
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