Videogame Hell – where playing is a punishment

If you were sent to hell and your punishment was to play one terrible videogame for all eternity, what would that game be? And remember, the devil knows what you are thinking, so you can’t say “Oh no, not Fallout, I hate that game”, and then snigger at your clever ruse.

To get the ball rolling I conducted an office poll, to which my colleagues kindly responded, to find out their version of Videogame Hell. Have a read, and then tell us about the worst game you have ever played, in the comments and forum.

Quinton – Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II

Quinton, the busy man that he is, simply linked me to his 2011 review on MyGaming.

“Wow. That is the only word I can think of to describe Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II. It’s the kind of ‘wow’ you feel when your parents get you a pair of socks for your 21st birthday; and then proceed to defecate in them – in front of all your friends.”

“Everything about Hallowed Potter and the Hairy Death Part Dos, from concept to conclusion, makes me wince. I can only assume that this game was then designed for people who have no hands, no eyes, and no sense of pleasure. That, or parents who have spoiled, screechy children who would eat a piece of excrement that has a Harry Potter sticker on it.” He gave the game 25%.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2

Rudolph (The Boss) – Pong

One has to respect Pong for being one of the first videogames to attract widespread popularity, but to have to play it for longer than a few minutes could be considered “enhanced interrogation techniques”.

Playing Pong for eternity in the afterlife should only be used to punish the worst of the worst – Hitler, Stalin, and Vlad Dracula.

Pong

Pong

Simoné – Daikatana

The worst game I ever played was Daikatana.

At boarding school I played this game during our study hours on the PC we were meant to practice our typing on (one of the subjects we were forced to take). It has one of the worst openings to any game – 6 minutes of boring exposition. Killing monsters to gain experience points which were used to raise your attributes – such as your jump height or speed – was also a waste of time. Even a 5 level increase never made much of a difference.

Then there was this huge weapon with blue energy lines flashing all the time which was hard to use and very frustrating. I even hit myself a few times with it ricocheted and it dealt me serious damage. What I really hated, though, was when the sidekicks shouted “wazzup” and then proceeded to stand in your firing line.

Daikatana

Daikatana

Marius – V.I.P

My Videogame Hell would be playing V.I.P on PlayStation 1. To me there is nothing worse than using my pink purse and matching heels to beat up baddies by tapping a three button combo. The game is tortuously repetitive and easy.

Not even the great Pamela Anderson could make this game slightly enjoyable (her presence is why I bought the game). The only reason I played through the entire game was because it was ridiculously short.

VIP

VIP

Jan – The Legend of Kage

Choosing “the worst game I ever played” was much harder than I thought it would be.

Based on what critics had to say (and with the benefit of hindsight) Back to the Future Part 2 & 3 for the Nintendo Family Computer was probably the worst game I spent time on. Besides the difficulty level, it was a very long game that had no option to save your progress. That said, I actually enjoyed playing Back to the Future at the time and given its length it might not be that bad a punishment in Hell.

The Famicom port of the Burger Time, on the other hand, I hated. Maybe it was great for its time (1982 according to The Wikipedia), but by the time I got my first “TV game machine” there were much better games available on my 52-in-1 cartridge. Burger Time was slow-paced, its soundtrack was monotonous, and it was just plain not fun. Yet, Burger Time would have enough variety to keep you entertained for the first few days in the Pit.

The Legend of Kage, which was actually a not-so-bad game for the Famicom, would make a fantastic choice for ol’ Lucy to torment gamers with for eternity. In Kage you play a ninja warrior in feudal Japan whose blushing princess is kidnapped. It features the same irritating 8-bit song on loop through 4 basic levels. At the end of level 4 you manage to rescue your princess, but she gets recaptured and you have to play through the same levels again to save her. “Oh,”  you might think, “a standard looping mechanic old school games used.” Not so. They just make you repeat the same levels 3 times before you can face the boss in a colour-shifted version of the first level. If you beat the boss you rescue the princess. And then she gets captured again. Perfect Hell material.

The Legend of Kage

The Legend of Kage

James – Dota 2 (with a terrible team)

As most Dota 2 players will likely attest, we have a love/hate relationship with the game. It’s intense, rewarding, and loads of fun at times when your team is cohesive and competent. But when you are battling against long server queues, laggy connections, and then get stuck in an hour long game with a team of noobs that can’t quite get it together, it’s amazingly frustrating.

My gaming hell would be an eternity stuck playing a game that I know can be a fantastic experience, but having it constantly undermined by the incompetence of my random allotment of team mates. This hell would be exacerbated by subtle nuances, such as a clearly inferior enemy team that manages to win through the jaw-dropping blunders of team mates. Don’t forget the obligatory ranting Russian player who will blast techno over his crappy VOIP mic that cannot be muted for some hellish reason.

DOTA 2

DOTA 2

Gareth – All games

My introduction to gaming came in 1996, my first year as a student at Rhodes university. The big game at the time was Quake on PC and my residence set up a LAN. I knew that my gaming days were numbered right from the start because I had zero strategy; I went in guns blazing and invariably died first. Subsequently I would lose interest and go and do something else.

During a stint in in the UK, mates and I would play SSX – snowboarding on PlayStation. I thoroughly enjoyed that, but again, I seemed to spend more time getting up from a fall than racing my friends in dual play.

I played the latest FIFA game on PlayStation 4 last weekend and had fun, but gaming in general just doesn’t grab my attention for long enough for me to become any good at it.

Quake

Quake

Me – Circus

I hated Circus, mainly because I was terrible at it. All the other games I played on my Golden China (the NES 8 bit console rip-off) brought me hours of joy. Jumping through hoops of fire on the back of a lion and dodging barrels while walking on a tight-rope did not. Not being able to get past the third level did not help either.

My younger brother and next-door neighbour were much better than me, and their heckles each time I “died” did little to make my Circus experience a pleasant one. I countered by punching my brother and telling him he could not play “TV games” any more (despite the fact he had paid half for the console). That made me feel better.

Circus

Circus

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