Game characters you could replace with a potato

Sometimes game characters are so bland, so generic, or so annoying that they could be replaced with anything else and wouldn’t be missed.

In fact, replacing them with something else – like a potato – would possibly make them better.

Why a potato? Because potatoes are delicious, huggable, and smell of the earth that has given us all life.

And let us not forget, arguably the best character to ever exist, GladOS, was once a potato herself.

That alone makes potatoes a way better option than these characters.

Any Pokémon

For a franchise that’s turned a pile of garbage into a creature for battle, I’m actually surprised that there isn’t already a potato Pokemon.

The obvious choice for a Pokemon potato replacement would be Diglett.

The reasons? Well, it kind of already looks like a potato; it’s in the ground like a potato; but more than anything it’s so that I don’t have to see this every time I think of it.

So let’s go with that.

Spudlett

Sonic

Let’s face it, Sonic doesn’t even look like a hedgehog anyway. He’s a speedy, spiky, blue thing with one eye and two pupils.

Every time he opens his mouth outside of 1994 a million Sega fans die, and then he winds up grossing out the kids by hooking up with a human princess.

You know what isn’t gross, though? A princess smacking lips with a potato. In fact that’s delicious. I want to smack lips with a potato.

Add the fact that potatoes are rounder (thus faster) and don’t speak at all (thus preventing death) and we have a winner.

Fast food

Master Chief

Truth be told we don’t really know if Master Chief is not a potato. I mean, he could be.

We haven’t seen his face (officially anyway), and the sleuths that managed to capture what could be his face…well…

Let’s just say that if that’s what he looks like, he’s definitely more potato than human. Microsoft should just admit that Master Chief is a potato and put the rumours to rest.

Person? Or Potato? It makes no difference.

Kratos

Maybe there was a time when Kratos could have been described as an engaging character.

That time was when we didn’t know any better, and were all probably huffing petrol through a tattered t-shirts on a street corner.

Kratos is just a shouty rage man with lots of slashy weapons and a generally violent disposition towards everything.

Slap some angry eyebrows on a potato, and you’ve basically got the same character.

Spud of War

Gordon Freeman

Controversial? Tell me, have you ever seen Mr Freeman? Have you ever *heard* him? The answer is no. No you have not.

For all we know Gordon is a floating torso with a massive video camera wedged into his chest and Valve just got Hugh Laurie in to do a couple of snaps for the game posters.

Just replace in-game Gordon with a potato – all the characters in Half-Life are probably already insane, because they’re clearly just talking to themselves the whole time anyway.