I’m mad about the first three Alien movies. Fact is, they’re the greatest science fiction horror films ever made, and anyone who disagrees is a heretic and should be dragged out back and shot with an independently targeting particle beam phalanx (VWAP!). And the original Predator wasn’t too bad either – that’s an authentically badass villain, even if he couldn’t possibly take on a Xenomorph in anything even remotely approaching actual demonstrable reality. Which is why the Aliens vs. Predator movies are such rubbish (well, that and everything else about them, anyway). We’re supposed to believe a guy in fishnet stockings and no shoes can take on the ultimate killing machine in the universe? Just because he collects spines doesn’t mean he’s not made out of Xenomorph burger stuffing.

Of course, games are all about chucking such frivolous inconveniences as actual demonstrable reality, and Rebellion’s two-up 1999 title previously enjoyed tremendous popularity with gamers who want to strap on their virtual Alien and Predator stuff and have a go at each other (so, gamers). Unfortunately, either the novelty’s worn off (IMPOSSIBLE) or this game is kinda rubbish. Its only real commendation is that I’ve sworn at it more than any other game.

The single player segment of the game features three campaigns – Marine, Alien, Predator – where each plays through as, basically, a different perspective of the same events (there’s some diversion here and there). The Marine campaign is a relentlessly bland and frequently boring FPS, with Aliens rushing at you every so often to keep things going. And that’s… that’s pretty much it. Aliens rushing at you. Just because Rebellion included one of those cool yellow heavy loaders from Aliens in the scenery and got Lance Henriksen to reprise his role as Weyland doesn’t make this campaign anything more than a series of monster closets with bad dialogue, drab characters, and all that tedious “You’re the rookie!” condescension that developers really need to stop putting into games because it’s, well, condescending. Sure, the gameplay is tight enough, but it’s all so dreary and predictable, and the conclusion is so campy, it’s positively absurd. Really, Rebellion? You had one of the most thrilling franchises out there to do anything with, and you made Unreal II.

The Predator and Alien campaigns fare no better, really, although some credit should be given, perhaps, for mixing the action up a bit. The Predator is a melee-based experience, emphasising stealth, close quarters combat, and quick counter-offensive. Although he’s kitted out with a shoulder-mounted plasma turret, its unreasonably heavy energy expenditure – pulling on a finite resource – cancels out its usefulness in swarm assaults. As such, on harder difficulties, this is an occasionally frustrating campaign, with two hits from an Alien taking the Predator out entirely (as it would obviously be in actual demonstrable reality).

The Alien is quite an interesting character to play, even if the campaign itself is every bit as dreary and predictable as the others. Much as it was in the original 1999 game, the Alien’s manoeuvrability – which I can only describe as “unctuous” – means stuff like walls, floors, and everything in between are just relative concepts. It also means that everything often becomes so disorienting, it’s impossible to work out where you’re even going. Still, slithering around the ceilings, breaking lights, and luring stupid Marines into dark corners is fun for about half an hour. Until you realise the entire campaign is going to be like this.

Then there’s multiplayer. According to the box, anyway. I couldn’t find a single game on Xbox LIVE, so that’s probably a review in itself.

It’s not that Aliens vs. Predator is a horrible game. It’s just really, totally average. It looks nice enough, and it plays well enough, but it’s just so tragically uninspired everywhere else (and disappointingly so), I found it increasingly hard to motivate myself to keep playing. The truth is, if this game didn’t have the Aliens vs. Predator brand slapped over it, nobody would care.

Reviewed on Xbox 360

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