the JOKE thread

A new supermarket opened in Southgate Jhb

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it
goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk shelves, you hear cows mooing and you experience the
scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with
onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air
is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread &
cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
 
England team visited an orphanage in Cape Town today.
"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope" said Jamal, aged 6.
 
McGuywer said:
England team visited an orphanage in Cape Town today.
"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope" said Jamal, aged 6.
Click to expand...

lmao...good one

********************

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a
problem.

I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage
with Francis and Peter .

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, And your parrots
are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no
time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....

As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots were inside
their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!'
 
whats the difference between a taxi-cab and the north Korean goal keeper?

A taxi-cab only lets in three at a time..
 
Two snakes are sitting in a tree smoking a dubbi, the one snakes turns to the other and says "Bru, are we like poisonous?" the other snake replies "um like I dunno dude why?" other snake replies "because I just bit my fu***ng lip"
 
David Blaine is set to retire after his record for sitting in a box and doing nothing for 42 days was beaten...



By Wayne Rooney
 
After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup The Nigerian goalkeeper has personally offered to refund
all the expenses of fans who travelled to South Africa.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
 
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.


Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'
 
A Mom Passing by her son's bedroom was astonished. The bed was nicely made and everything was packed. She saw an envelop on the bed. It was addressed ' MOM'

She Opened the envelop and read the letter with trembling hands.

Dear Mom

Its with great regret that I am writing to you. I had to leave the home and run away with my Girlfriend cause I wanna avoid the scene with Dad and You.

I have been finding real passion with here and she is so nice she even has dimple cheeks and sweet eyes and good character. Don't worry mom I am 18 yrs old I know how to take care of myself. Someday I will come back to visit you with your grand children.

Tears Trickled Down as she read On

.



.






.





.
..

Relax Mom None of above is True !
I am at neighbors house !
Just want to remind you that there are worse thing in life then my 12th results which are on my Desk.
 
A young girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared, she confides this 'news' to her mother.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family
Situation, but I'll take the responsibility.”

“If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If
It is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,


"You can try again!"
 
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the
computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of
hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT!

I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours,
and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports .
They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went
off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the
underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally, the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past
two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his
work and I don't have any?

God just shrugged and said,



"JESUS SAVES...."
 
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.

One chap jumps out of his seat in the front row and shouts at the top of his voice, "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts, "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!"

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears it up through a hectic 10 minute medley. The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.

But, still the little man jumps up again and shouts, "No, NO! Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!"

Stevie is really pissed off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage, "Ok smart-ass, you get up here and do it!"

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mic and starts to sing...

















"A jazz chord... to say... I ruv you..."
 
RustPuppet said:
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.

One chap jumps out of his seat in the front row and shouts at the top of his voice, "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts, "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!"

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears it up through a hectic 10 minute medley. The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.

But, still the little man jumps up again and shouts, "No, NO! Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!"

Stevie is really pissed off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage, "Ok smart-ass, you get up here and do it!"

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mic and starts to sing...

















"A jazz chord... to say... I ruv you..."
Click to expand...
OMG LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!! This is soooo funny!!
 
lol shadowfox


A mental hospital was critically overcrowded. The doctors decided to get all the patients
seated in one large room to conduct a test to see how many they could discharge that day.

At the front of the room one doctor took some chalk and drew a full size door on a
blackboard and offered an ice cream to any patient who could open the door. There
was a mad rush for the door with the patients scratching and clawing at the door
and the handle.

The doctors were disappointed, until they noticed a single patient who remained in his
chair and was quietly chuckling to himself as he watched his fellow patients.

Encouraged that at least 1 patient could be discharged today, the doctors asked him
why he wasn't trying to open the door. The patient (a.k.a Moruti Ruebs), who could
no longer contain his laughter, shouted "I've got the key!!!"
 
- It was a terrible tragedy, one of the world's finest sprinters died from pneumonia!
- Look on the bright side, atleast his nose kept runnin until the very end.

-----

- We'll never finish this bowling match!
- What makes you say that?
-Wel, every time I knock down all the pins, someone calls everybody out on strike!
 
RustPuppet said:
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.

One chap jumps out of his seat in the front row and shouts at the top of his voice, "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts, "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!"

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears it up through a hectic 10 minute medley. The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.

But, still the little man jumps up again and shouts, "No, NO! Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!"

Stevie is really pissed off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage, "Ok smart-ass, you get up here and do it!"

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mic and starts to sing...



"A jazz chord... to say... I ruv you..."
Click to expand...

Has to be one of the best in a while ;)
 
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