Damienalexi
New member
Whats the difference between David Hasselhoff and Hitler?
Hitler knew when his career ended!
Hitler knew when his career ended!
the JOKE thread
- Thread starter wizdumb
- Start date
Damienalexi
New member
Whats does Michael Jackson and Tequila have in common?
They both come in tots!
They both come in tots!
DenSweeP
New member
HIERDIE WERK OOK NET IN AFRIKAANS.........!!!
Die seuntjie van so Std 1 gaan na sy ma,
SEUN: Ma hoe spel 'n mens 'boks'? met 'n "x"?
MA: Nee my kind, die woord boks bestaan nie eintlik nie, die korrekte woord is doos.
SEUN: Ok, dankie Ma.
Die volgende dag kom die seun met dik gehuldie oe van die skool af.
MA : Wat het gebeur my kind?
SEUN: Ons moes vir vandag se Afrikaanse klas n opstel skryf oor sport en ek het net met die naam van my opstel begin toe meneer dit sien. Toe Gryp hy my kantoor toe en gee my n moviese pakslae.
MA : Wat was jou opstel se naam my kind?
SEUN : Ek hou meer van doos as van rugby.
Die seuntjie van so Std 1 gaan na sy ma,
SEUN: Ma hoe spel 'n mens 'boks'? met 'n "x"?
MA: Nee my kind, die woord boks bestaan nie eintlik nie, die korrekte woord is doos.
SEUN: Ok, dankie Ma.
Die volgende dag kom die seun met dik gehuldie oe van die skool af.
MA : Wat het gebeur my kind?
SEUN: Ons moes vir vandag se Afrikaanse klas n opstel skryf oor sport en ek het net met die naam van my opstel begin toe meneer dit sien. Toe Gryp hy my kantoor toe en gee my n moviese pakslae.
MA : Wat was jou opstel se naam my kind?
SEUN : Ek hou meer van doos as van rugby.
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shadowfox
Anime Junkie
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
DenSweeP
New member
'n Antreklike jong dame ry met haar baba op die bus.
Heel diskreet probeer sy die babatjie te borsvoed, maar hy wil niks weet nie.
Kort-kort sê sy vir die babatjie:
"As jy nie wil drink nie, gaan ek dit vir die oom daar oorkant gee!!!!!"
Toe sy dit die derde keer vir die babatjie sê, antwoord die man:
"Dame, maak asb jou mind op of jy my wil laat drink of nie. . .
ek moes al 3 bus stoppe terug af geklim het!!!"
Heel diskreet probeer sy die babatjie te borsvoed, maar hy wil niks weet nie.
Kort-kort sê sy vir die babatjie:
"As jy nie wil drink nie, gaan ek dit vir die oom daar oorkant gee!!!!!"
Toe sy dit die derde keer vir die babatjie sê, antwoord die man:
"Dame, maak asb jou mind op of jy my wil laat drink of nie. . .
ek moes al 3 bus stoppe terug af geklim het!!!"
shadowfox
Anime Junkie
HAHAHAHA - the triumph of hope over experience.
DenSweeP
New member
Man kom lékker dronk by die huis.
Vrou lê oopmond in die bed en slaap...
Man gooi twee Panados in haar mond af. Sy verstuk haar amper dood!
Vrou: “Wat het jy in my mond gegooi?!â€
Man: “Twee Panados...â€
Vrou: “Is jy mál, ek het nie hoofpyn nie?!â€
Man: “Dis wat ek wil hoor Mamma, dis wat ek wil hoor…!â€
Vrou lê oopmond in die bed en slaap...
Man gooi twee Panados in haar mond af. Sy verstuk haar amper dood!
Vrou: “Wat het jy in my mond gegooi?!â€
Man: “Twee Panados...â€
Vrou: “Is jy mál, ek het nie hoofpyn nie?!â€
Man: “Dis wat ek wil hoor Mamma, dis wat ek wil hoor…!â€
Raven Gold
Local Boy Hunter
DenSweeP
New member
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she
pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will
buy a lady a drink?'
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end
of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and
bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!' The bartender poured the drink and
the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed
around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,
'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' Once again, the
same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the
ballerina another drink!’
The bartender approached the drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's
your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep
calling her a ballerina?'
The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg
that high has got to be a ballerina!'
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she
pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will
buy a lady a drink?'
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end
of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and
bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!' The bartender poured the drink and
the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed
around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,
'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' Once again, the
same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the
ballerina another drink!’
The bartender approached the drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's
your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep
calling her a ballerina?'
The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg
that high has got to be a ballerina!'
tpex
New member
DenSweeP
New member
29 Universal Truths
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
8. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
9. Bad decisions make good stories.
10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.
12. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
13. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -ever.
14. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
15. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
16. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
17. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
18. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid " routing option.
19. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
20. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
21. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
22. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
23. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an a person from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
24. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Trousers? Trousers never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
25. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year? - So true!
26. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
27. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
28. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
29. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
8. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
9. Bad decisions make good stories.
10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.
12. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
13. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -ever.
14. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
15. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
16. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
17. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
18. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid " routing option.
19. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
20. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
21. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
22. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
23. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an a person from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
24. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Trousers? Trousers never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
25. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year? - So true!
26. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
27. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
28. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
29. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
DenSweeP
New member
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
Oh, well in that case, I guess its okay," said the woman. As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better medical aid."
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
Oh, well in that case, I guess its okay," said the woman. As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better medical aid."