the JOKE thread
- Thread starter wizdumb
- Start date
wizdumb
New member
A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money.
Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a coloured couple standing next to him and asked the man,
'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Nay meneer ek hettie gasien nie, maar my vrou het!'
Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a coloured couple standing next to him and asked the man,
'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Nay meneer ek hettie gasien nie, maar my vrou het!'
DenSweeP
New member
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little
fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder
up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest b@lls I have ever seen!"
Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I
touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's b@lls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll
jump off the ladder!"
fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder
up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest b@lls I have ever seen!"
Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I
touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's b@lls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll
jump off the ladder!"
wizdumb
New member
lmao, where do i send my $$
DenSweeP
New member
Die boer lê en slaap in sy huis toe die selfoon skielik begin lui.
Toe hy antwoord, is dit ou Petrus op die plaas. Petrus sê: "Baas,
baas, jy moet gou kom, hier's groot moeilikheid oppie plaas."
Die boer vra toe "Petrus Wat is fout?"
Petrus: "Ek, ek kannie oor die phone verduidelik nie, jy, jy moet kom
hier by die plaas."
Toe die boer daar kom sê Petrus:
"Een vannie skaape, hy het hom die 7 babies gekry, enne die skaap hy
sallie hom nie kan voer almal van daai babies nie"
Die boer besef toe dat hulle die lammers maar self met bottels sal
moet voer en ry toe na die noodapteek toe en vra vir die dame agter
die toonbank, "verskoon tog dame, het jy lam tiete?"
Koel en kalm antwoord sy: "Nee, Meneer, dis net 'n k*k bra."
Toe hy antwoord, is dit ou Petrus op die plaas. Petrus sê: "Baas,
baas, jy moet gou kom, hier's groot moeilikheid oppie plaas."
Die boer vra toe "Petrus Wat is fout?"
Petrus: "Ek, ek kannie oor die phone verduidelik nie, jy, jy moet kom
hier by die plaas."
Toe die boer daar kom sê Petrus:
"Een vannie skaape, hy het hom die 7 babies gekry, enne die skaap hy
sallie hom nie kan voer almal van daai babies nie"
Die boer besef toe dat hulle die lammers maar self met bottels sal
moet voer en ry toe na die noodapteek toe en vra vir die dame agter
die toonbank, "verskoon tog dame, het jy lam tiete?"
Koel en kalm antwoord sy: "Nee, Meneer, dis net 'n k*k bra."
Raven Gold
Local Boy Hunter
Internet, internet on my screen.
How many freaky ladies have I seen?
How many Dollars have I spent?
To release something that was pent?
To the point where careers have now been.
How many freaky ladies have I seen?
How many Dollars have I spent?
To release something that was pent?
To the point where careers have now been.
Grimspoon
The Hoff
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ...... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded ...
'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the f**kin' skippin'
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ...... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded ...
'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the f**kin' skippin'
DenSweeP
New member
A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscastersays "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."The blonde starts sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazillion?"
Murph
Thread Killer
A man goes to the Curry Cup final and sees another man sitting next to an open seat. He asks the man if he can sit there.
The man says, "If you don't mind, that seat is mine too. You see my wife passed away and she always used to come with me. This is our first match apart."
The other man says, "Oh I'm sorry to hear that. But surely you could have bought someone else along for company, maybe a brother or cousin?"
The man answers, "Yes I could, but they've all gone to the fcking funeral."
The man says, "If you don't mind, that seat is mine too. You see my wife passed away and she always used to come with me. This is our first match apart."
The other man says, "Oh I'm sorry to hear that. But surely you could have bought someone else along for company, maybe a brother or cousin?"
The man answers, "Yes I could, but they've all gone to the fcking funeral."
Crzwaco
New member
Reasons to stay at work all night
1. Act out your version of a company takeover.
2. Find a way to change everyone's password to "chrysanthemum".
3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.
4. Sneaking in the boss's desk could land you an unexpected promotion.
5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out "what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art".
6. Go into the other gender's bathroom without fear of being caught.
7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.
8. Leave prank messages on the CEO's voice mail.
9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.
10. Elevator surfing!
1. Act out your version of a company takeover.
2. Find a way to change everyone's password to "chrysanthemum".
3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.
4. Sneaking in the boss's desk could land you an unexpected promotion.
5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out "what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art".
6. Go into the other gender's bathroom without fear of being caught.
7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.
8. Leave prank messages on the CEO's voice mail.
9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.
10. Elevator surfing!
Crzwaco
New member
10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?
8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.
7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.
9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?
8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.
7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.
Crzwaco
New member
Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."
Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention!
Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush!
Yo mama so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!
Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!"
Yo mama so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.
Yo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
Yo mama so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
Yo mama so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage."
Yo mama so poor she drives a peanut.
Yo mama so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.
Yo mama so poor she has the ducks throw bread at her!
Yo mama so poor she uses curtains as blankets!
Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention!
Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush!
Yo mama so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!
Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!"
Yo mama so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.
Yo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
Yo mama so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
Yo mama so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage."
Yo mama so poor she drives a peanut.
Yo mama so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.
Yo mama so poor she has the ducks throw bread at her!
Yo mama so poor she uses curtains as blankets!
