the JOKE thread

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super....'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said,

'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.

Tray-up, B1tch'
 
duke dude said:
van der merwe died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of st. Peter at
the pearly gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked:"what are all those clocks ?"


st. Peter answered, "those are lie-clocks. Everyone on earth has a
lie-clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"that's mother teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
never told a lie."


"incredible," said the man. "and whose clock is that one?
"st. Peter responded, "that's abraham lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice telling us that abe told only two lies in his entire life."


"where's zuma's ?" asked the man.
"zuma's clock is in god's office. He's using it as a fan."

:d:d:d:d
Click to expand...

hahahahahahahah!!!!
 
'n Mansstudent is ongelukkig toe hy sien sy meisie vir die aand bestel
oesters en sjampanje en allerhande duur goed vanaf die spyskaart.

"Voer jou ma jou so by die huis?" vra hy.

"Nee, maar sy wil my nie na ete spyker nie"
 
Okay ... this joke pokes a bit of fun at various nationalities ... but it's all in good fun I reckon, so I'll take the chance and post it here :p

Once upon a time....On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of
nowhere, the following group of people became shipwrecked:-

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman

2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the
following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in
a ménage-à-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another
long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a
restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to
supply employees for their stores.

The two Australian men are contemplating suicide because the
Australian woman keeps complaining about her body; the true nature of
feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of
fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm
trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion
and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her
mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low on the island
and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and
have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the
picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of
coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English
aren't having any fun.

AND.........The two English men are STILL waiting for someone to
introduce them to the English woman....!!!
 
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any chemist.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter lovey, as long as it fits on a Camel !!"

The pharmacist fainted. !!
 
Grimspoon said:
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any chemist.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter lovey, as long as it fits on a Camel !!"

The pharmacist fainted. !!
Click to expand...

Hahahaha :D
 
It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first grade kids (6 or 7 year-olds)!

* Strike while the ………insect is close.
* Never underestimate the power of…………ants.
* Don’t bite the hand that………………..looks dirty.
* Better to be safe than…………….punch a grade 7 boy.
* If you lie down with dogs, you’ll…….stink in the morning.
* It’s always darkest before…………DaylightSaving Time.
* You can lead a horse to water but………..how?
* No news is…………………………….impossible.
* A miss is as good as a………………….Mr.
* You can’t teach an old dog new…………..maths.
* Love all, trust………………………..me.
* The pen is mightier than the…………….pigs.
* An idle mind is…………………the best way to relax.
* Where there’s smoke there’s……………..pollution.
* Happy the bride who……………gets all the presents.
* A penny saved is……………………….not much.
* Two’s company, three’s…………………the Musketeers.
* Don’t put off till tomorrow what….you put on to go to bed.
* Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and……….you have to blow your nose.
* There are none so blind as………………Stevie Wonder.
* Children should be seen and not………….smacked or grounded.
* If at first you don’t succeed……………get new batteries.
* You get out of something only what you……see in the picture on the box.
* When the blind leadeth the blind……..get out of the way.
* And the favorite:
* Better late than……………………….pregnant
 
pokerpete said:
It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first grade kids (6 or 7 year-olds)!

* Strike while the ………insect is close.
* Never underestimate the power of…………ants.
* Don’t bite the hand that………………..looks dirty.
* Better to be safe than…………….punch a grade 7 boy.
* If you lie down with dogs, you’ll…….stink in the morning.
* It’s always darkest before…………DaylightSaving Time.
* You can lead a horse to water but………..how?
* No news is…………………………….impossible.
* A miss is as good as a………………….Mr.
* You can’t teach an old dog new…………..maths.
* Love all, trust………………………..me.
* The pen is mightier than the…………….pigs.
* An idle mind is…………………the best way to relax.
* Where there’s smoke there’s……………..pollution.
* Happy the bride who……………gets all the presents.
* A penny saved is……………………….not much.
* Two’s company, three’s…………………the Musketeers.
* Don’t put off till tomorrow what….you put on to go to bed.
* Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and……….you have to blow your nose.
* There are none so blind as………………Stevie Wonder.
* Children should be seen and not………….smacked or grounded.
* If at first you don’t succeed……………get new batteries.
* You get out of something only what you……see in the picture on the box.
* When the blind leadeth the blind……..get out of the way.
* And the favorite:
* Better late than……………………….pregnant
Click to expand...

* The pen is mightier than the…………….pigs.
* A penny saved is……………………….not much.

Hahah! Classics
 
so this has to be my 2nd my fav joke of all time...sorry all ginger folk...lol

so the father is in the delivery waiting room, and the doctor comes to speak to him.

doctor: "so I have good news and bad news"

father: "gimme the bad news first doctor"

doctor: "your child was born a red head"

father: "....and the good news?"

doctor: "he is dead"
 
wizdumb said:
so this has to be my 2nd my fav joke of all time...sorry all ginger folk...lol

so the father is in the delivery waiting room, and the doctor comes to speak to him.

doctor: "so I have good news and bad news"

father: "gimme the bad news first doctor"

doctor: "your child was born a red head"

father: "....and the good news?"

doctor: "he is dead"
Click to expand...

wow that is harsh.
 
an afrikaans joke***

Juffrou sê vir haar Graad 1 klas: "Gaan vanmiddag huis toe en dink aan
'n sin wat julle kan maak met die woorde 'neem aan'.

Die volgende dag vra sy vir Sannie om haar sin vir die klas voor te
lees:
"My ma maak die ketel vol en sit hom aan en ek neem aan sy gaan tee
maak."

Pragtig Sannie, sê die juffrou.

Ja Boetie, sê maar jou sinnetjie." My Pa neem die kar se sleutels en
loop by die deur uit en ek neem aan hy gaan ry."

"Pragtig Boetie" sê die juffrou.

Klein Maria Mathebula sit heel voor in die klas en probeer om haarself
so klein as moontlik te hou met die hoop dat juffrou haar nie sien nie.


"Kom nou Maria, dis nie so moeilik nie. Jy het mos gehoor hoe klink
Boetie en Sannie se sinne."

Maria staan op en sê : My Ma sit die koerant onderhaar arm en stap bosse
toe en ek neem aan sy gaan kak, want sy kan nie lees nie."
 
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SOUTH AFRICAN GIRL

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from South Africa . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.


My personal favourite :D:

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
 
Duke Dude said:
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SOUTH AFRICAN GIRL

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from South Africa . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.


My personal favourite :D:

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Click to expand...

Looooooooooooooool double score :D
 
latestextracomic.jpg
 
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