Saint_Dee
The Phantom Poet
Scratch the A+ for persistence... I just recalled Einstein's definition of insanity
the JOKE thread
- Thread starter wizdumb
- Start date
Scratch the A+ for persistence... I just recalled Einstein's definition of insanity
OmegaFenix
The Legendary Troll Hunter
Now there is a funny story.... it was actually Benjamin Franklin who said that although it is often misattributed to Einstein and Mark Twain.
Source
Einstein famously said that; "Only two things are Infinite, the Universe and Human Stupidity...."
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murfle
New member
I hope that is not a direct quote... I would have assumed Einstein would have better grammar than that.
OmegaFenix
The Legendary Troll Hunter
Indeed it is not, just my own broken grammar. Fixed now thanks.
Saint_Dee
The Phantom Poet
.
DCWarhound
Dakka Dakka
I believe it goes 'Barney is a dinosaur from the planet Venus,once he shoved a gun up his ass and blew himself to pieces'
At least that's how my little brother sings it,still not a joke though.
OmegaFenix
The Legendary Troll Hunter
All the funny left this thread. Bring the funny back
Okay, okay I will leave.
MalicE
Party time! Excellent!
HAHAHAHAHA!!!
I watched that ep the other night again, can actually hear that little high pitched voice in my head
Saint_Dee
The Phantom Poet
HAHAHAHAHA!!!
I watched that ep the other night again, can actually hear that little high pitched voice in my head
I think this was continued in another episode:
simon
New member
Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
Employee: Oh, Truworths, Woolworths, Edgars & My Credit card.
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
Employee: Oh, Truworths, Woolworths, Edgars & My Credit card.
ViperGTI
New member
This review is from Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal
Care) on Amazon:
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I
decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving
attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying
to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I
would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered
myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and
wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I
was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving
some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom.
Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for
something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was
replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like
being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the
ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that
night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the
violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction
of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I
tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the
plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of
the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen.. by this time walking was
not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope
of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a
tub of ice cream, tore the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief
was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery
stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish
any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was
sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I
later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I
did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between
the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had
found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle
was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to
wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea
of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only
solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of
the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange moans and grunts coming from the
kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was
greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping
from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that
feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a
scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of
shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some
speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted
against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special
surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day
what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...so
to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect.
Care) on Amazon:
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I
decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving
attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying
to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I
would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered
myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and
wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I
was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving
some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom.
Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for
something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was
replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like
being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the
ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that
night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the
violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction
of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I
tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the
plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of
the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen.. by this time walking was
not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope
of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a
tub of ice cream, tore the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief
was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery
stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish
any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was
sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I
later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I
did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between
the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had
found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle
was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to
wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea
of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only
solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of
the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange moans and grunts coming from the
kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was
greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping
from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that
feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a
scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of
shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some
speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted
against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special
surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day
what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...so
to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect.
Saint_Dee
The Phantom Poet
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ViperGTI
New member
Ok, the first two reviews for this product from the link above... brought me to tears laughing.
LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION
I like the clean shaven look down in my gentleman's log cabin, so for the past few years I've used a shaver. However the hair keeps growing back which means every 6 months I have to spend 20 minutes trimming again. As I'm sure you've realise this is valuable time I cannot waste. So I decided to get to the root of the problem and purchased this product.
Probably the first thing you will notice after using this product is the pain. Although as a man I lack the required experience, I'm going to estimate that using this product is at least eleven times more painful than childbirth.
Imagine sticking a rusty razor blade into your favourite eye, before tying your hands behind your back. Then imagine that you use the entrenched razor blade to slice open a raw onion. All the while being butt naked. This product is slightly more painful than that.
However if we ignore the blinding, crippling and debilitating pain I should point out that this product is remarkably effective. Before, all manner of organisms great and small lived down there, now nothing can grow; not even on a cellular level. Sadly this includes my genitalia; I've spent the last four hours staring fixedly at Carol Vorderman's arse, all to no avail. My tinkywinkleton hasn't even so much as perked up, so if my review seems a bit harsh, it's only because I wanted children.
All in all an effective and reasonably priced product - 3 Stars.
DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS
Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.
(I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)
ViperGTI
New member
A man who'd just died was delivered to the local mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female, Blonde mortician asked
the deceased's wife how she'd like the body dressed and pointed out that he
looked good in the black suit he was wearing.
The widow, however, said she always thought her husband looked his best in
blue and she wanted him in a blue suit. She then gave the Blonde mortician
a blank check saying, "I don't care what it costs, please have my husband
in a blue suit for the viewing."
When the woman returned the next day for the wake, she was pleased to see
her spouse was dressed in a handsome blue suit with subtle chalk stripe.
And the suit fit perfectly.
The new widow said, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an
excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her surprise, the Blonde mortician returned the blank check saying,
"There's no charge."
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit."
"Honestly, ma'am, it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about
your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was
wearing an an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him
going to his grave wearing a black suit instead. She said it made no
difference, as long as he looked nice. So, I switched heads."
expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female, Blonde mortician asked
the deceased's wife how she'd like the body dressed and pointed out that he
looked good in the black suit he was wearing.
The widow, however, said she always thought her husband looked his best in
blue and she wanted him in a blue suit. She then gave the Blonde mortician
a blank check saying, "I don't care what it costs, please have my husband
in a blue suit for the viewing."
When the woman returned the next day for the wake, she was pleased to see
her spouse was dressed in a handsome blue suit with subtle chalk stripe.
And the suit fit perfectly.
The new widow said, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an
excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her surprise, the Blonde mortician returned the blank check saying,
"There's no charge."
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit."
"Honestly, ma'am, it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about
your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was
wearing an an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him
going to his grave wearing a black suit instead. She said it made no
difference, as long as he looked nice. So, I switched heads."