the JOKE thread

A man asked his friend, "what is a dilemma actually?"

The friend replied, "well there is nothing better than an example to illustrate that :

Imagine that you are lying in bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other.

Who are you going to turn your back on?
 
AlienTaker said:
A man asked his friend, "what is a dilemma actually?"

The friend replied, "well there is nothing better than an example to illustrate that :

Imagine that you are lying in bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other.

Who are you going to turn your back on?
Click to expand...

Damn, that's a real dilemma :)
 
A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink. "Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink." The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman. "Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."
 
AlienTaker said:
A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink. "Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink." The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman. "Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."
Click to expand...

*Makes note of this in case of car accident in future*
 
Just look at all the security measures taken at Nkandla, the homestead with the HIGHEST expenditure of all public works projects in history!

It includes:
- Indoor swimming pool - R2,65 mil.
- Cinema - R1,8 mil.
- Games arcade - R10,3 mil.
- Industrial kitchen - R15,5 mil.
- Tuck shop - R1,1 mil.
- Underground bunker - R 22,1 mil.
- Entertainment bar area - R11,5 mil.
- Gymnasium - R8.2 mil.
- Library - R1,33 mil.
- Art and Décor interior designing - R21,2 mil.
- Architecture design- R18 mil.

One thing is certain, they will definitely NOT die of boredom!!!

Note how little he spends on a library. There cannot be too many colouring books!?
 
Two hunters were standing in the forest. One of the hunters suddenly collapses. The other takes out his cell phone and dials 911. The operator answers, "Hello, what is your emergency?" The hunter replies, "I was hunting with my friend and I think he's dead! What should I do?" The operator then tells him, "Make sure that he is dead." The man says, "Just a second." There is silence on the phone and suddenly a loud gunshot is heard. The man then asks the operator, "Okay, now what?"
 
MalicE said:
Two hunters were standing in the forest. One of the hunters suddenly collapses. The other takes out his cell phone and dials 911. The operator answers, "Hello, what is your emergency?" The hunter replies, "I was hunting with my friend and I think he's dead! What should I do?" The operator then tells him, "Make sure that he is dead." The man says, "Just a second." There is silence on the phone and suddenly a loud gunshot is heard. The man then asks the operator, "Okay, now what?"
Click to expand...

Classic joke that can be re-imagined in any way...
 
A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
 
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
 
Gammat: "Wiesh daar?"
Polisie: "Dis die Polisie."
Gammat: "Wat de fok soek djulle?"
Polisie: "Ons wil praat."
Gammat: "Hoeveel is djulle?"
Polisie: "Ons is 2."
Gammat: "Nou fokken praat met mekaar!"
 
Grampa and Billy were working out in the garden. Grampa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground. "You'll never get that worm back in his hole," said the old man. Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch. After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth. "Billy! You're a genius," exclaimed grampa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside. Thirty minutes later, grampa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar. "Grampa," said the boy, "You already gave me a dollar. "No," replied grampa, "That dollar's from grandma! "
 
A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”

The doctor replied, “Show me.”

So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.

She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”
 
Last Saturday afternoon in Johannesburg an aide to President Jacob Zuma visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral. He told the Bishop that Jacob would be attending the next day's Mass, and he asked if the Bishop would kindly point him out to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Jacob a saint.

The Bishop replied, "No. I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of his views."

Zuma's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a cheque here and now for a Donation of R100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the ongregation you see Zuma as a saint."

The Bishop thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As the aide promised, President Zuma appeared for the Sunday worship and seated himself prominently at the forward left side of the centre aisle. As the Bishop promised, at the start of his sermon he pointed out that Mr Zuma was present.

The Bishop went on to explain to the congregation, "While President Zuma's presence is probably an honour to some; the man is not numbered among my personal favourite personages. Some of his most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and he tends to flip- flop on many other issues. He is is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb-sucker, and a nit-wit. He is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, President Zuma is the worst example of a Christian I have ever personally witnessed. He married for money and is using his wealth to lie to the people. He also has a reputation for shirking his representative obligations both locally and overseas. The man is simply not to be trusted."

The Bishop concluded,” But, when compared with Julius Malema he is a saint."
 
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me..............
My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.
It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me.
I gave her a loving smile and said,
"Get that trolley over here love. They're doing 3 cartons of Beer for the price of 2."
 
MalicE said:
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me..............
My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.
It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me.
I gave her a loving smile and said,
"Get that trolley over here love. They're doing 3 cartons of Beer for the price of 2."
Click to expand...

Ahh that right there is a happy loving marriage :D
 
This is really cringe worthy and I actually feel bad for posting this:

Hannibal Lecter is doing some yard-work when the mower picks up a rock and shatters it, blowing the shards right into Hannibal’s face. He immediate realises that he would need to get medical attention, but since he’s pretty dirty from working outside, Hannibal decides to take a quick bath before going to the Emergency Room.
Stumbling around the bathroom half blind and in pain, Hannibal knocks a packet of Gentian Violet crystals into the tub without noticing. When he emerges from the tub, the damage has been done: his skin has taken on a deep, purple tinge. The pain in his left eye was getting steadily worse so Hannibal ignored his embarrassing skin colour and drove straight to the hospital.
In the ER, the attending physician rinses Hannibal’s eyes and fixes a patch on the left one before he recognises the wanted murderer. Fearing that Hannibal would see the recognition on his face, the doctor grabs a random bottle of pills from the medicine cabinet. He hands it to Hannibal, telling him to stay put while he checks up on the medical insurance. Hannibal, however, is no fool and he instinctively knows that his cover has been compromised. He quickly leaps out the window, jumps in his car and heads straight to the airport where he boards a plane to Europe without incident.
Not long after take-off, the pain in his eye flares up again. Luckily the bottle of pain killers the doctor gave him is still in his pocket and he dry swallows a couple. Unfortunately the doctor didn’t grab pain killers from the ER medicine cabinet…
Soon the pills start doing their job and Hannibal studies the label for the first time, seeing that he just drank two Viagra generics. “At least it’s a long flight,” he thinks to himself, “and the effects should have dissipated by the time the plane lands in Paris”.
For the first time Hannibal notices the small, staring boy sitting next to him with big, round eyes.
“What are you?”, the boy whispers.
Hannibal chuckles softly and answers the boy.

What does he tell him?

s
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o
l
l

f
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a
n
s
w
e
r
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.
.
s
c
r
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l
l

f
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a
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s
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r

Answer:

“Don’t be scared, Son. I’m just a one eyed, one horned, flying, purple people eater.”
 
I got banned from a Muslim clothes shop today.





I only asked for a bomber jacket.






Touchy bastards!



--------------------------------

Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

Looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
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A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, upon a trip to Blackpool, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back! off!! Or you and your bike will end up in the sea !"

St. Peter was impressed, but said: "We don't show any record of this - when did all this happen?"

"About 20 minutes ago."
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A little boy opens door and catches dad humping mom, he cries "You're hurting her!"

Daddy replies "I'm making you a little brother."

Two days later and dad comes home and the kid is crying.

Dad says "What's wrong?"

The little boy replies "You know that little brother you were making? The postman ate him!!!"
 
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.
 
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