the JOKE thread
- Thread starter wizdumb
- Start date
HANDsolo
New member
Im a bit worried about them dumping Bin Laden at sea, i mean the did the same with Megatron and look how that turned out :/
Bin Laden. Coming to a beach near you!
OGBuzz
New member
Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.
'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friends asked.
'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.
'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'
'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'
'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.
'Juss watch' he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering bash and stepped back.
His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
'For f*#k's sake, you stupid pr#ck . It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'
'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friends asked.
'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.
'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'
'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'
'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.
'Juss watch' he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering bash and stepped back.
His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
'For f*#k's sake, you stupid pr#ck . It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'
Wenzdayz
Thread Killer Mk III
Good one Ogbuzz!
Weasley
New member
Swt made me lol can we have more plz.
Cre8torzn
New member
I know this is a bit long... but its worth the read!!! Lol
Making a baby. This is hilarious!
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,
Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my word!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs.. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted
Making a baby. This is hilarious!
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,
Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my word!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs.. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted
shadowfox
Anime Junkie
The ANC in a nutshell
ANC in a NUTSHELL
A woman in a hot air balloon realised she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man below.
"Excuse me," she called, "can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS. "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 10m above a ground elevation of 782m above sea level," he said. "You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said: "You must be a DA supporter!"
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist," everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help."
The man smiled and responded: "You must be an ANC government official."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.
ANC in a NUTSHELL
A woman in a hot air balloon realised she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man below.
"Excuse me," she called, "can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS. "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 10m above a ground elevation of 782m above sea level," he said. "You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said: "You must be a DA supporter!"
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist," everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help."
The man smiled and responded: "You must be an ANC government official."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.
A fat and ugly little man from Bangladesh named Futh decides that since he cannot get a decent job in his own country, he would immigrate to the United States and try his luck there.
Three months later in New York he runs into a someone that he knows (not a friend, because he is much too hideous to have any of them), and they start discussing jobs.
"Are you working now?" asked the acquaintance, who was only talking to him out of pity anyway.
"No'" replies Futh. "I just quit my job at Coney Island. A man had me put my head through a canvas, and the customers would throw baseballs at my head. I couldn't sit down for a week!"
"You silly moron, what does getting hit in the head have to do with sitting down?"
"Oh, I forgot to mention. The back of the canvas was rented out as a dart game."
Three months later in New York he runs into a someone that he knows (not a friend, because he is much too hideous to have any of them), and they start discussing jobs.
"Are you working now?" asked the acquaintance, who was only talking to him out of pity anyway.
"No'" replies Futh. "I just quit my job at Coney Island. A man had me put my head through a canvas, and the customers would throw baseballs at my head. I couldn't sit down for a week!"
"You silly moron, what does getting hit in the head have to do with sitting down?"
"Oh, I forgot to mention. The back of the canvas was rented out as a dart game."
kelevra
New member
'n Vrou loop rond in 'n duur matwinkel. Net toe sy buk om aan 'n mooi mat te voel poep sy kliphard. Volgende oomblik staan die assistent langs haar.
Ongemaklik vra sy "Hoeveel kos die mat?"
Die assistent antwoord "Mevrou, as jy gepoep het toe jy aan die mat gevat het, gaan jy definitief in jou broek kak as jy sy prys hoor."
Ongemaklik vra sy "Hoeveel kos die mat?"
Die assistent antwoord "Mevrou, as jy gepoep het toe jy aan die mat gevat het, gaan jy definitief in jou broek kak as jy sy prys hoor."
Crzwaco
New member
O_O AAAamen!
wizdumb
New member
oooh my...red heads FTW!
so continuing on this trend.
why does the sun burn gingers?
so that we don't have too!
shadowfox
Anime Junkie
Raven Gold
Local Boy Hunter
Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.
The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"
-----------------
Timmy and his dad were at the park one day, and they saw two dogs humping away, and Timmy turned to his dad and asked, "Daddy? What are those doggies doing?
"Well son," the dad said, "They're making puppies."
So later on, at home...Dad and Mother were going hard-at-it, and Timmy walks in with childish candor, and he asks, "Daddy what are you doing?"
"I'm *nnfff* Making you a baby brother or sister, Timmy..."
"Well Turn mummy over, " Timmy replies, "I want a puppy."
-------------------------------
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" (Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face."
"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.
The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"
-----------------
Timmy and his dad were at the park one day, and they saw two dogs humping away, and Timmy turned to his dad and asked, "Daddy? What are those doggies doing?
"Well son," the dad said, "They're making puppies."
So later on, at home...Dad and Mother were going hard-at-it, and Timmy walks in with childish candor, and he asks, "Daddy what are you doing?"
"I'm *nnfff* Making you a baby brother or sister, Timmy..."
"Well Turn mummy over, " Timmy replies, "I want a puppy."
-------------------------------
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" (Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face."
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