the JOKE thread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard." He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this stuff but me."
 
One day Mbeki,Mandela and Mugabe were flying back to SA when suddenly the plane crashed in the Amazon.
Then they were captured by the Amazon Chief.

The Amazon Chief Says:"Here in the Amazon we eat people.So you three are our dinner special but I will let one of you escape if you can go into the jungle and find a fruit.Bring back ten of that fruit and we can talk again."

So Mbeki went first.He came back with ten apples.
So the Chief Said:"Mbeki I will let you go but there is one condition.You first have to shove those apples up your ass without making a noise or reacting or you die!"

So Mbeki shoves the apples up his ass.1,2 and nothing happens.On the 3rd one he had to blink so the chief killed him.

Mandela went next and came back with ten Strawberries.
So the chief said:"Mandela shove them up your ass."

Mandela starts.1,2,3 and nothing happens. 4 and 5 right up till 8 then suddenly Mandela start laughing :lol: .
So the chief killed him too.

In Hell Mbeki asks Mandela:"Why dd you laugh you fool you only had two more to go!"
Mandela Replies:"I saw Mugabe come back with ten pineapples!"
 
So, I have this theory. I’ve shared it before, but that was many years ago. It’s about car crashes and how to avoid them.

There’s tons of ways to have a collision, but fundamentally there’s only one way. To wit:

Two objects intersect the same space at the same time.

Therefore, the best way to reduce the risk of having a collision is to occupy any given section of space for as short a period of time as possible. The odds of there being another object in that exact same space at that slice of time are drastically reduced. As you drive faster you occupy any sub-division of space for less total time, so the faster you drive the less likely you are to be in a collision.

Example!

If your car is parked at Spot A, then it has a 100% chance of being rammed by any other car that attempts to occupy Spot A. If, instead, your car is zooming through Spot A at full speed, then there’s a vanishingly small chance your car will be anywhere near Spot A when another vehicle attempts to occupy that space.

Apply that logic to every individual inch of a journey, and the odds of you having a wreck at any given moment are next to nothing!

Now, there are those of you out there who are saying things like, “That’s not how logic works.” Or maybe, “You’re an idiot, Brian.”

That’s fair. But to you, I say this: make it legal for me to do, say, 90mph everywhere so I can put the theory to the test!

80mph would also be cool if there’s like a school zone or whatever. I’m not particular.
 
Two nuns are in a car driving at night when suddenly a big scary vampire jumps out in front of them, the first nun turned to the second and said: Hey, show him your cross!" So the second nun opened her window and shouted "HEY YOU BLOODY TOOTHY GIT, GET OUT THE WAY!!!"
 
A bran muffin a Day

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" St Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St Peter replied.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your f**king bran muffins.
I could have been here 10 years ago!
 
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain
needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy
with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended
to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand
Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting
for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this
letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy.
Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into
54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.
 
Ken-Block said:
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain
needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy
with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended
to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand
Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting
for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this
letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy.
Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into
54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.
Click to expand...

isnt this a old one but still very good
 
Subject: Words to the wise

Be sure to read the lessons at the end.

Have You Ever Danced?

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."




There are a few lessons for us all here:

-Never be arrogant.

-Don't waste ammunition.

-Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

-Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.
 
Malema didn’t call the reporter a b@stard,
he thought the guy’s name was Ted …
So he was calling him ‘Baas Ted’ …
 
wizdumb said:
Malema didn’t call the reporter a b@stard,
he thought the guy’s name was Ted …
So he was calling him ‘Baas Ted’ …
Click to expand...

Called him a gentleman as well ... it wasn't agent he said - it was "A Gent" ..

Poor Malema is always being misunderstood :p
 
Not for kiddies!

Superman then starts flying through Super-hero City and he looks through a window and sees Wonderwoman lying on the bed naked. Superman says to himself "Hey, I am as fast as a speeding bullet, so I will fly in there and fuck her so fast she won't even notice". So he does it. BICKETY BAM!!! He is in and out in ten seconds. Suddenly, Wonderwoman rolls over and says "Invisible Man, did you hear something?". Invisible Man replies "No. But my ass hurts like hell!!"
 
Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to
work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good
worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the
company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have
to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being
late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

''Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd
though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces.
What did they say if you came in late there?"

''They said, 'Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?'''
 
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
 
Im not sure if anyone heard this one two pirates are sitting next to each other Pirate 1 is sitting with a ship steering wheel on his lap,pirate 2 asks:Is that a steering wheel on your lapmatey? Pirate 1:Yes its driving me nuts.
 
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