the JOKE thread
- Thread starter wizdumb
- Start date
sycogrim
MyGaming Comp Authoritah
Im gonna use number 7Number 4 is going on my to-do list. I'm using it somewhere, someday ... definitely
i always tell people that they are being queued for support 
Strategist01
New member
I love number 5 and 6 . Especially number 6! You can spot the PC-Illiterates with that one...
. Especially number 6! You can spot the PC-Illiterates with that one...
Raven Gold
Local Boy Hunter
Number 9 is for me.
B
BlaQ_PhoeniX1
Guest
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the personnel manager's door. The foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee..
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The personnel manager decides to see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena...
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the personnel manager's door. The foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee..
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The personnel manager decides to see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena...
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
_Caboose_
MG's resident Boozer
LIST OF RULES FOR WOMEN DURING THE FIFA WORLD CUP!!!!!
1. From 11 June to 11 July 2010, you should read the sport pages so you are aware of what's going on regarding the World Cup and will be able to join in conversations.
If you fail to do this, you'll be looked at in a bad way or be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
2. During the World Cup the television is mine, mine, mine at all times without any exceptions.
3. I don't mind if you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me.
If you decide to stand naked in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I won't have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.
4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute - unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat.
You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor....it won't happen.
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least two six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on.
And please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.
6. Please, please, please if you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, it's only a game" or "don't worry, they'll win next time".
If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only lead to a break-up or divorce.
7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during half-time but only when the adverts are on, and only if the score is pleasing me.
In addition, please note I am saying "one" game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together".
8. Most importantly, making love is out of the question during the entire month. It has to be a 'quickie' and that has to be during half-time as well.
9. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.
10. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.
11. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.
12. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch?" The reply will be: "Refer to Rule #2 of this list".
13. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years".
I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, English Premier League, etc.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Regards,
Men of the World
1. From 11 June to 11 July 2010, you should read the sport pages so you are aware of what's going on regarding the World Cup and will be able to join in conversations.
If you fail to do this, you'll be looked at in a bad way or be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
2. During the World Cup the television is mine, mine, mine at all times without any exceptions.
3. I don't mind if you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me.
If you decide to stand naked in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I won't have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.
4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute - unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat.
You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor....it won't happen.
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least two six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on.
And please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.
6. Please, please, please if you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, it's only a game" or "don't worry, they'll win next time".
If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only lead to a break-up or divorce.
7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during half-time but only when the adverts are on, and only if the score is pleasing me.
In addition, please note I am saying "one" game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together".
8. Most importantly, making love is out of the question during the entire month. It has to be a 'quickie' and that has to be during half-time as well.
9. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.
10. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.
11. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.
12. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch?" The reply will be: "Refer to Rule #2 of this list".
13. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years".
I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, English Premier League, etc.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Regards,
Men of the World
XGR
New member
ROFLMAO!!!!!!
hahahaha,the scores will never be pleasing though
Were gonna lose,not even get into the semi-finals,we wouldnt even be in the world cup if we werent hosting,we lost to jamiaca,you will just be setting your hopes up for nothing
I know that was a joke,and a good one,but its got to be said
hahahaha,the scores will never be pleasing though
Were gonna lose,not even get into the semi-finals,we wouldnt even be in the world cup if we werent hosting,we lost to jamiaca,you will just be setting your hopes up for nothing
I know that was a joke,and a good one
,but its got to be said
XGR
New member
Thats the best joke I ever heard
Lynus
New member
ROFLMAO!!!!!!
hahahaha,the scores will never be pleasing though
Were gonna lose,not even get into the semi-finals,we wouldnt even be in the world cup if we werent hosting,we lost to jamiaca,you will just be setting your hopes up for nothing
I know that was a joke,and a good one
You obviously have never watched soccer in your life, amirite?
We lost to Jamaica? I don't call a 2-0 win to us a loss?
The scores will never be pleasing? 4-0 vs Thailand? Not pleasing? Granted, it is Thailand but, so what?
You obviously did not watch the Confed Cup where we held our own magnificently against #1 and #2 ranked teams in the world?
Whoru anyways?
Don't talk about soccer if you know nothing, thanks.
Unless, of course - your post is a joke.. then we can all laugh along happily and I will not think you are a complete moron.
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XGR
New member
Your right I have never watched soccer,but we are gonna lose and then I am gonna rub it in your face,just joking of course
Raven Gold
Local Boy Hunter
Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.
A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"
And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised."
A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"
And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised."
B
BlaQ_PhoeniX1
Guest
LOOOOOOOOL!!!!
B
BlaQ_PhoeniX1
Guest
FIVE GERMANS IN A AUDI QUATTRO
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four!" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the Germans says unbelievingly.
"Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."
"You canta pulla thata one on me-aa!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and thereforea youarra breaking da law!"
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He's a busy with da 2 guys in da Uno."
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four!" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the Germans says unbelievingly.
"Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."
"You canta pulla thata one on me-aa!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and thereforea youarra breaking da law!"
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He's a busy with da 2 guys in da Uno."
Strategist01
New member
What did the pencil say to the compass?
Make the circle bigger
We show dem!
tpex
New member
LMFAO! I thought the punchline would be lame... But funny it was!
Dan
Makhulu Silverback
The Lions manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play rugby. He's suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Gauteng to be part of the squad.
Two weeks later the Lions are 18-6 down to the Bulls with only 20 minutes left to play. The manager gives the young Iraqi winger the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scoring 4 tries in 20 minutes and winning the game for the Lions. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in Super 14 Rugby.
“Hello mum, guess what?†he says. “I played for 20 minutes today, and we were 18-6 down but I scored 4 tries and we won! Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me!â€
“Wonderful,†says his mum, “but let me tell you about my day. Your father was shot in the leg and had his car stolen; your sister and I were ambushed, beaten and robbed; your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you were having such a great time playing rugby!â€
The young lad is very upset. “I don't know what to say mum, I'm so sorry.â€
“Sorry? Sorry?!' shrieks his mum, "it's your bloody fault we moved to Jo’burg in the first place!"
Two weeks later the Lions are 18-6 down to the Bulls with only 20 minutes left to play. The manager gives the young Iraqi winger the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scoring 4 tries in 20 minutes and winning the game for the Lions. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in Super 14 Rugby.
“Hello mum, guess what?†he says. “I played for 20 minutes today, and we were 18-6 down but I scored 4 tries and we won! Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me!â€
“Wonderful,†says his mum, “but let me tell you about my day. Your father was shot in the leg and had his car stolen; your sister and I were ambushed, beaten and robbed; your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you were having such a great time playing rugby!â€
The young lad is very upset. “I don't know what to say mum, I'm so sorry.â€
“Sorry? Sorry?!' shrieks his mum, "it's your bloody fault we moved to Jo’burg in the first place!"
OmegaFenix
The Legendary Troll Hunter
Rusty that was epic! Thanks for a good laugh.