the JOKE thread

I vote for Wizdumb too! He deserves one as it will take him far too long to reach it by himself :D (also NOOOOO he cant get a custom title before me!!!!! :( ).
 
Ok i know it's abit touchy....but your choice to read them or not....the MJ jokes are out in full force already

whats the difference between mj & alex ferguson ?
at least ferguson will be playing giggs in august


apparently michael jackson is not going to be buried. He is going to be melted down and made into toys. So the kids can play with him for a change


the coroner is having a hard time pinning down the cause of death .. doesnt know whether to blame the stars death on the sunshine, moonlight, good times .... or the boogie


LAPD raided Neverland last nigth . they found class A drugs in the kitchen , class A in the living room & class 4C in the bedroom

Confirmation of Michael Jackson's death have just come thru - he died of food poisoning
: apparentyl he ate 12yr old nuts


: farah fawcett reaches the pearly gates, and god says do you have any last wishes, she says yes i just want my children to be safe.....so god killed michael


jacko died of a heart attack this morning after he discovered that boyz II men was a band,not a delivery service

Apparently McDonalds are doing a Michael Jackson commemorative burger.......a 50 year old piece of meat between two 5 year old buns.

mj hasn't been so stiff since macauley culkin stayed over


Michael Jackson's body is not to be cremated or buried. It's to be recycled into grocery bags. That way he can continue to be white, plastic and dangerous for kids to play with.

Check for Michael Jackson's pulse. Can you feel it? Can you feel it? CAN YOU FEEL IT?"
 
cybs, oi........

@ dixie : good job as my campaign manager. now just get some pins made, and i'll surely win

anyways back to the topic

An Afrikaner guy, an Aussie, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting
in a train.
The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel.
The old woman, beautiful girl and the Afrikaner guy are sitting there
looking perplexed. The Aussie is bent over holding his face, which is red
from an apparent slap.
The old woman is thinking: "That Aussie must have tried to kiss that girl
and got slapped."
The Aussie is thinking: "Damn it, that Afrikaner guy must have tried to kiss
the beautiful girl. She thought it was me and slapped me instead."
The beautiful girl is thinking: "That Aussie must have moved to kiss me, but
kissed the old lady instead and got slapped."
The Afrikaner guy is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I
could make another kissing sound and m0er that Aussie again!"
 
hehehe

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he
accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin'
da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da
fingers? Lord Tunderin', it's
2009! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of
incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and
made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy said, ' How da foock was I 'spose to pick
them up !!!
 
the MJ joke my boss has now told for the 7th time...

reports of michael jackson having a heart attack are incorrect. he was found in the childrens ward having a STROKE!!!
 
Punny


The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was -- -- Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island -- -- but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whisky maker -- -- but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class -- -- because it was a weapon of math disruption.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder -- -- and got a little behind in his work.

No matter how much you push the envelope, -- -- it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road -- -- and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France -- -- would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race -- -- they ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow -- -- fruit flies like a banana.

Atheism --- is a non-prophet organisation.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway -- -- One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger -- -- then, it hit me

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said -- -- ‘Keep off the Grass.'

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital -- -- his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

A chicken crossing the road -- -- is poultry in motion.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison -- -- was a small medium at large.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray -- -- is now a seasoned veteran.

In democracy, it's your vote that counts. -- -- in feudalism, it's your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary -- -- they got a taste of religion.
 
Vanaf: http://blogs.beeld.com/ViewComments.aspx?mid=383&blogid=11

Bel net 08600-ZUMA!
28 Mei 2009 2:28nm
Verby is die dae dat Suid-Afrikaners een keer per jaar die Financial Times uit Londen moes bestel het om uit te vind wat in die president se kop aangaan!

Aikôna wena, dinge werk nou anders. Onder die Jacobiete kan ons almal sommer die tolvrye hotline in die president se kantoor bel as daar ietsie is wat pla.

Dis ’n uitstekende idee, maar Lood voorsien ’n paar probleme.
Eerstens, soos die president self duidelik gemaak het, bestaan die nommer nog nie. Dit beteken Telkom, daardie reus van dienslewering, moet betrokke raak.

En selfs al ken die president genoeg mense op hoë plekke om Telkom so ver te kry om sy nuwe lyn binne ses maande te installeer, kan Cosatu nog tot die aand voor die tyd probeer om die hele poging met ’n dringende hofaansoek te kelder.

Maar goed, as die president by Telkom en Cosatu kan verbykom en sy telefoon aan die werk kan kry, sou hy homself reeds bewys het as iemand wat kán.

) Met dié heuglike moontlikheid in gedagte voorsien Lood dat van die gesprekke soos volg kan verloop:
(Telefoon lui, ’n opgeneemde stem antwoord:)
“In alfabetiese volgorde, druk asseblief een vir Afrikaans, twee vir Engels . . . (ensovoorts).”
(Inbeller kies Afrikaans.)
“U het die kantoor van pres. Jacob Zuma bereik. U oproep is vir hom belangrik, maar hy is nie tans beskikbaar nie. Laat asseblief ’n boodskap. Steve, as dit jy is: Ons is aan vir die braai Vrydagaand. Bring girls as jy kan.
“Pieter, as dit jy is: Hoor by Steve hoe om by my plek uit te kom, en bring jou eie drank.”
) Of dalk so iets:
(Telefoon lui.)
“Goeiedag, dis pres. Jacob Zuma, hoe kan ek help?”
“Hallo . . . Niekie, is dit jy?”
“Nee, mevrou, dis Jacob Zuma, hoe kan ek . . .” (word in die rede geval:)
“Nee, ek soek na Niekie, dis Anoniem hier. Waar is Niekie?”
“Ek dink hy’s in die parlement, mevrou, hy’s mos nou in die DA. Hy’t ook ’n inbellyn nes ek, soek u sy nommer?”
“Sal gaaf wees ja. Jy’t nie dalk ook Fonnie du Plooy se nommer nie? Ek het hierdie pragtige ou yskas en ek het gewonder . . .”
) Of:
“Goeiedag, dis pres. Jacob Zuma, hoe kan ek help?”
“Hallo, is dit Idols? Ek probeer vir Jason stem, maar ek kom nie deur nie. Dis nou al ses maande se ding; probeer julle my vir die gek hou? Niemand gee ook om vir die man op straat nie, dis net die rykes en die belangrikes wat . . .”
“Nee, dis Jacob hier, en ek . . .”
“Nie JACOB nie, man, ek wil vir JASON stem! Daai Jacob kan nie sing om sy lewe te red nie, en . . .”
) Of dalk:
“Pappie, Dudu hier. Jammer ek bel op dié nommer, maar daai vrou soek nog steeds haar tjek vir my verjaardagpartytjie, en as sy dit nie vandag kry nie sal ons vir my 28ste moet settle vir Suid-Afrikaanse vonkelwyn, en jy weet Julius sit nie sy mond aan dáái goed nie.”
“Ag my kind, praat sommer self met Schabir, jy het mos die nommer. Hoor net eers of hy nog leef.”
) Of selfs:
“Goeiedag, dis pres. Jacob Zuma, hoe kan ek help?”
“Good day sir, and how are
youuuu? I’m well thanks, and thank you for asking. It is my pleasure to tell you that you have won a brand new Mercedes-Benz. All you have to do, is attend one of our presenta tions at the fabulous Runderpest Lodge, with compliments from Cell Indiscreet.”
“S’bu, ek val nie weer vir daai een nie!”
) Laastens:
“Goeiedag, dis pres. Jacob Zuma, hoe kan ek help?”
(Opname van ’n stotterende rekenaarstem begin speel.)
“Good day, this is a friendly reminder from Telkom that your account is overdue by R1 928 021,99. To avoid interruption of your service, please pay the outstanding amount by five o’clock. Goodbye.”
(Zuma sit die telefoon neer en roep sy persoonlike assistent:)
“Bel dadelik vir Pravin en sê vir hom Thabo gebruik al weer hierdie lyn om gratis op die internet rond te surf!”

’n Grootse plan
Ten slotte: ’n Buitengewoon swak geplaaste bron beweer hy het die oggend voordat die kabinet aangekondig is ’n lys van ministers gesien – sonder voorsiening vir ’n groter kabinet.
) Kan dit wees dat alles nié vooraf behoorlik deurdink is nie? Kan dit?

PS: 08600-ZUMA is 'n fiktiewe nommer!

PPS: Plaas gerus jou eie fiktiewe Zuma-gesprek ook hierby deur op Kommentaar te klik -- nie meer as 4 skermreëls nie, en hou dit beskaafd asseblief!
Click to expand...
 
lol...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM .

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
 
hahaha...the other version i know was the baby talcum powder and bowling

***********************************

Op ‘n dag loop Jannie in die straat af en sien hy sy vriend, Piet, ry ‘n nuwe bakkie. Piet hou met ‘n groot glimlag langs hom stil.

“Waar kry jy die bakkie..?” vra Jannie,

“Marietjie het dit vir my gegee” sê Piet,

“Vir jou gegee? Ek het geweet sy hou van jou maar ‘n splinter nuwe bakkie?”

“Wel, Jannie laat ek jou vertel wat gebeur het. Ons het op die plaaspad uitgery tot in die middel van nêrens. Toe trek Marietjie van die pad af, ry met die 4×4 tussen die bome in, hou stil, trek al haar klere uit en sê:
“Piet, vat vir jou wat jy wil hê!”

“Toe vat ek die bakkie.”

“Piet, donner, jy’s ‘n slim ou. Marietjie se klere sou nooit vir jou gepas het nie.”
 
Dixie said:
Little Zachary was doing quite badly in math.

His parents had tried everything. Tutors, mentors, flash cards, Special Learning Centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face.

He didn't even kiss his mother Hello.

Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying... Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card.

He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.
With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise Little Zachary got an 'A' in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son , what was it? Was it the nuns?'

Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

'Well, then,' she replied, 'Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'On the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
Click to expand...

LOL nice1 Dixie
 
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