the JOKE thread

Read this one in the newspaper today:
Farmer catches a guy stealing a sheep from his kraal. Fuming the farmer marches the thief up to his barn and takes a sjambok from the wall while handing the guy a normal six-sided die.
"Roll the die. If it lands on any number from 1 to 5, I'm gonna beat the crap out of you, buddy."
"And what if it lands on six?"
"Normal rules. You get to roll again."
 
A man met a woman at a bar and was invited back to her place. He naturally thought he was the luckiest man alive.

At her place, after slipping in to something more comfortable, and having had a few drinks, they got to the bed.

"You don't mind if I take a few things off do you?" she asked.

"Go right ahead," the man said with a sly grin.

The woman proceeded to take off one of her arms. The man wasn't entirely put off by this and was still raring to go. But then the woman took off her wig. Then out came a glass eye. She then removed her bra which contained a false breast.

"Just close your eyes and think of England as they say," the man thought to himself.

After all this, the woman removed her false leg.

"Okay I'm ready now!" she giggled.

"Ag, you know what, just unscrew it and I'll sort myself out, all right?"
 
Jannie is in Weskoppies, omdat hy 'n obsessie het oor ketties. Na 6 maande besluit hulle om hom te her-evalueer en vra: "Wat sal jy doen as jy 'n miljoenrand wen?"

"Ek sal vir my 'n kakhuis vol ketties koop" sê hy.

"Nee, jy's mal, sit hom terug in sy padded sel", laat die sielkundiges weet.

6 Maande later evalueer hulle hom weer. "Wat sal jy doen as jy 'n miljoen rand wen?" is die vraag weer.

"Ek sal dit belê?" sê hy.

"Mooi, ek dink jy kom reg, in wat sal jy dit bele?" vra hulle.

"In bosbou en Goodyear sodat ek baie hout en rubber kan maak, sodat ek baie ketties kan maak!"

"Terug in sy sel!" antwoord die sielkundiges.

Weer sulke tyd 6 maande later en weer is die vraag: "Wat sal jy maak as jy 'n miljoen wen?"

Na hy so 'n tydjie diep gedink het, sê hy: "Ek sal vir my 'n Porsche koop"

"En dan?"

"Dan sal ek rondry en vir my 'n hot girl optel."

"Jis, jis en dan?"

"Dan sal ek haar wine en dine."

"Nee, lyk vir my jy's gesond, maar vertel verder wat jy beplan?"

"Dan sal ek haar huis toe vat en bietjie begin vry."

"Ja, en dan?"

"Dan sal ek haar pantie uittrek."

"Ja, ja en dan?"

"Dan sal ek die rek uit die pantie haal en vir my 'n FOKKEN kettie maak!!!"
 
This is how women approach sex throughout their lives:

Age 8: ignore it.
Age 18: experience it.
Age 28: look for it.
Age 38: ask for it.
Age 48: beg for it.
Age 58: pay for it.
Age 68: pray for it.
Age 78: forget it!
 
MissileToe said:
This is how women approach sex throughout their lives:

Age 8: ignore it.
Age 18: experience it.
Age 28: look for it.
Age 38: ask for it.
Age 48: beg for it.
Age 58: pay for it.
Age 68: pray for it.
Age 78: forget it!
Click to expand...
Funny I should read this - I just had an epiphany on what is my dream job :D
 
I know another ending to this joke
MissileToe said:
A man met a woman at a bar and was invited back to her place. He naturally thought he was the luckiest man alive.

At her place, after slipping in to something more comfortable, and having had a few drinks, they got to the bed.

"You don't mind if I take a few things off do you?" she asked.

"Go right ahead," the man said with a sly grin.

The woman proceeded to take off one of her arms. The man wasn't entirely put off by this and was still raring to go. But then the woman took off her wig. Then out came a glass eye. She then removed her bra which contained a false breast.

"Just close your eyes and think of England as they say," the man thought to himself.

After all this, the woman removed her false leg.

"Okay I'm ready now!" she giggled.
Click to expand...
So I jumped into the chair where she laid her parts, because there was more of her there.
 
MissileToe said:
This is how women approach sex throughout their lives:

Age 8: ignore it.
Age 18: experience it.
Age 28: look for it.
Age 38: ask for it.
Age 48: beg for it.
Age 58: pay for it.
Age 68: pray for it.
Age 78: forget it!
Click to expand...

anyone know any hot 48yr olds then......asking for a friend
 
MissileToe said:
This is how women approach sex throughout their lives:

Age 8: ignore it.
Age 18: experience it.
Age 28: look for it.
Age 38: ask for it.
Age 48: beg for it.
Age 58: pay for it.
Age 68: pray for it.
Age 78: forget it!
Click to expand...

Did anyone notice the double entendre at the end? Anyone?
 
Homemade joke coming through, partly inspired by your comment Mister 44, as well as a conversation I had just now. It's about schadenfreude.

Hick 1: Hey, do you know what this "sharten-froyda" thing is?

Hick 2: Yeah, I think so. It's when you laugh at someone when they just s**t their pants!
 
MissileToe said:
Homemade joke coming through, partly inspired by your comment Mister 44, as well as a conversation I had just now. It's about schadenfreude.

Hick 1: Hey, do you know what this "sharten-froyda" thing is?

Hick 2: Yeah, I think so. It's when you laugh at someone when they just s**t their pants!
Click to expand...

Hahaha man that was actually good!
 
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