the JOKE thread

Gradius said:
WARNING

If you receive an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tinned pork then delete it – it's just spam.
Click to expand...

Lol, I thought you were serious for a second, then I realised what thread this is, and found the punchline :o
 
Dear Consumers:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS XP SOUTH
PHILLY EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside South Philly. If
you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands.

The South Philly edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen.
It reads: "WINDAS XP," with a background picture of the Italian Market.
When you start the program, instead of the usual "harpy, stringy" music,
you hear the theme from the Godfather. It is also shipped with a
Sopranos
screen saver.

Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "South West Philly".
My Computer is called "My Friggin' Computer".
The Inbox is referred to as "The Trunk".
Deleted items are referred to as "Wacked Out" or "Rubbed Out".
Dial up Networking is called "The Bar".
Control Panel is known as the "The Bosses".
Performing an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancing the family
business" and will actually maximize the program instead of shuttingit
down.
Hard Drive is referred to as "I-95 Rush Hour".
Instead of an error message a "You ain't gonna friggin' believe this!"
pops up.

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTH PHILLY EDITION:
OK.......................... Sure ting
Cancel.................... Fugetaboutit
Reset...................... Start Ova
Yes.......................... Yeah
No........................... Nah
Find........................ Put a contract out on
Browse................... Get a looksee
Back....................... Ubie
Help....................... (Help is not available - yous don't need no
stinking help)
Stop...................... Knock it off
Start...................... Move it!
Settings................. Here's the Rules

Also note that any voice recognition software run on the SOUTH
PHILLY EDITION platform does not recognize the letter "r.
Some programs and other accessories that are exclusive to
WINDAS XP:
Typa................... A word processing program
Printa................. Printer
Calculata........... Calculator
Solitare.............. Seven Card Stud

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if
you received a copy of the SOUTH PHILLY EDITION.
You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

Yous got a problem wit dat?
 
a wholesome joke for a monday :)

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one
house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on
the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that
his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message,
'Genesis 3:10.'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales
of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and
knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was
afraid for I was naked.'
 
After the Shipwreck...


There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.

The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this row-boat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention.

She rowed her boat towards him. In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?

She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank"

"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where did you get the row-boat? You must have been really lucky to have a row-boat wash-up with you?"

"It is only me", she said, "and the row-boat didn't wash up, nothing else did."

"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the row-boat?"

"I made the row-boat out of raw material that I found on the island", replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree"

"But, but", asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?"

"Oh, no problem", replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that", she continued. "Where do you live?" At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.

"Well, let's row over to my place", she said. So they both got into the row-boat and left for her side of island. The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the row-boat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much", she said, "but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?"

"No", said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."

"It won't be coconut juice", the woman replied, "I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After a while, when they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship"

"Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs...

"You look great", said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did. And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned - this time wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.

"Tell me", she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and women need? Something that it would be really nice to have right now?"

"Yes there is", the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me ... Do you happen to have an Internet connection?"
 
Cust
what is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program ?

UNIX
yes, that's correct.

Cust
no, what is it ?

UNIX
yes.

Cust
so, which is the one ?

UNIX
no.'which' is used to find the program.

Cust
stop this. who are you ?

UNIX
use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'.you can also 'finger yoo' to get information about 'yoo'.
 
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane.The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
 
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained
"When I got posted in the Middle East , I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters...

First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.
And Then these posters were pasted all over the place
"Then that should have worked!" said the friend.
"The hell it should have!? said the salesman. "I didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left"
 
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