That’s right. The video games you’ve known and loved all these years are, like Tony’s 900-degree spin, about to take a turn for the worst. A plastic piece of crap is to be not only the death knell of gaming as we know it, but the very thing that ushers in an entirely new era of misguided marketing, blind consumerism and game packaging the size of a large household appliance.
So what am I on about? Well, let me digress into a bit of background story first.
One of my favourite award-winning print ads of recent years also happens to be one of the most clever and simple ever created: the entire page was filled with a flat, blue sheet of Lego, and in the centre, taking up less than five percent of the ad, was a tiny periscope. The Lego logo was in the bottom-right corner alongside the line, “Imagine”.
Apart from stirring up feelings of envy and bitter jealously, the ad’s minimalistic brilliance reminds me of days gone by when our imaginations were all we really had to have fun with.
Sure, Space Invaders and Pong were revolutionary titles for their time, but I doubt anyone ever pictured themselves as a big, white bat hitting a big, white ball, or a pixelated blob shooting waves of equally blob-like aliens. No, you were a professional tennis player, or captain of a massive space cruiser fighting for the very fate of humanity; never mind the coveted high score at the local arcade. And you were doing it all with a joystick and a single fire button.
But these were simple times (and controllers), and those soon to be dubbed geeks, nerds and techies were excited about the rapidly developing gaming industry.
Unable to meet demand and expectations with the limited hardware capabilities available, the people sought other ways to make video games more realistic and immersive.
And this is where the problem of peripherals started.
Atari, purveyors of the aforementioned console classics, are quite possibly to blame for beginning this plague. One such indiscretion was the Joyboard, a Wii Fit-style board that adapted the controls into a foot-operated unit. Despite costing a fortune, only one game was ever specifically released for it. Another blunder was the Mindlink, a futuristic headband that appeared to let gamers use their minds to interact with their games; the whole project was scrapped though when the developers realized that consumers might feel a tad disappointed when they discovered it was in fact their eyebrows that controlled the device. No, seriously.
Since then there have been innumerable devices that have tried and failed to break into the mainstream gaming market. Trackballs have appeared all over the show and in many different forms, but show me one gamer that you know that uses one. Anyone?
And who remembers that insane AlphaGrip joypad that not only had a trackball, mouse buttons and USB hub, but a full QWERTY keyboard on the back of the controller? As if that wasn’t enough, these keys could also use modifiers to generate up to sixty different inputs from the back alone; imagine what you could do if you used the front buttons too?
Jumping across to the present day, it’s pretty clear that the problem has unfortunately become worse. Much worse. And nowhere is this evil more obvious than in the peripheral-ridden Wii.
Now, one would think that the humble Wiimote would be more than sufficient for any choice of game: swing it around and it’s a golf club or a Lightsaber, or hook and jab and it becomes a boxing glove. No, apparently in this age devoid of the simple art of creativity and imagination, we need to see the actual device to feel properly engrossed.
With this realization, dollar signs started flashing in the eyes of greedy designers and con-men worldwide, spawning such ridiculous peripherals as the Digital Maracas (as if using virtual maracas wasn’t demeaning enough), or DreamGear’s Wii Pom Poms (how many games can you use these with?).
Or, my personal favourite, the CTA Digital Trauma Centre Surgical Kit which realistically (ahem) converts your Wiimote into a syringe, tweezers or scalpel. One can only imagine this thing selling like crazy as soon as ‘Dexter: The Game’ or ‘Crack Whore Hero’ hits the shelves.
In fact, it’s so bad now that there are entire sections of toy stores and audio-visual shops dedicated to these cursed things. Forget the idiot box, kids, ‘Nameless Shameless Money-Hungry Company XYZ’ is here to suck your creativity dry.
Which, finally (in the most roundabout way possible), brings me to my original point: Tony Hawk is just about to ruin games for everyone.
For those not in the know, Tony Hawk’s ‘RIDE’ is Activision’s latest attempt to inject some life and originality into the ageing series of skateboard games. It aims to do this through a large, plastic skateboard peripheral. That you actually stand on.
And pretend to skate with.
Hysterically enough, Josh Tsui, the president of Robomodo (the developers) said (with a straight face, no doubt), “Playing on the board is unlike any other game, and I’m excited for everyone to have the chance to feel what it’s really like to experience the true feeling of skateboarding.”
Yes, the real feel of skateboarding by standing on a plastic replica in your living room, no doubt with every pillow in the house strategically placed around you in the event of a ‘bail’.
Granted, it is pretty impressive that they crammed two accelerometers and four motion sensors into the board, but how many people other than traditional skaters have the co-ords to manipulate something as realistic as that?
We’re told there are different difficulty settings that disable a lot of the functionality for novices, but then what’s the point of the board in the first place?
And, once the game is over, how much use is the damn board? Well, a whole lot we hope, judging by the game’s exorbitant price tag.
Alright, alright, perhaps I exaggerated a bit in the opening paragraph. Ok, a lot. But my point is that I don’t feel too optimistic about the state of our beloved gaming industry when I see titles like this that can only be enjoyed with pricey, gimmicky peripherals.
Sure, we can ignore the thousand varieties of Wii paraphernalia and we can possibly even forgive Tony Hawk for trying to keep his franchise alive (he and his games, the early ones at least, are still legend), but what does the future really hold for us gamers?
Are these dime-a-dozen addons a vision of the way forward for gaming, or will we have keyboards, mice and the good ol’ Sixaxis-style controllers forever? Personally I don’t think you can defy the natural ergonomics of such simple devices, but shelves full of Wiimotes and trackballs beg to differ.
One thing’s for certain though: When this plastic skateboard monstrosity goes on sale and emergency rooms worldwide are filled with gamers sporting ‘RIDE-related injuries’, I know where I’ll be.
Standing in line waiting for one?
Nah. I’ll be in the garage looking for my Lego.
Footnote: I purposely refrained from any Guitar Hero bashing in this article. This, in itself, should be considered a small miracle. Well, ok, there was that one ‘crack whore’ comment, but overall it got away lightly. Seriously: it is not like real guitar. Buy a real one and stop pretending. Thank you.
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