Why gaming is better than sex

Following my recent column detailing how to successfully date a gamer, I have received some feedback from female readers.

In short, I am going to be single for the rest of my life and should stock up on batteries for my only friend… my Star Wars wall clock.

Well, that’s fine, because who needs a girlfriend if you have a PlayStation 4 or a gaming PC?

One of the main reasons people get into a relationships is to secure regular sex, but if you are kitted out with an epic gaming rig you do not need to feed your primitive carnal desires.

“Not possible” you say. Oh, but it is, and I will tell you why.

For the sake of brevity, I will be referring to my PlayStation 4 as the gaming platform, but this applies to PC and Xbox gamers, too.

Nintendo Wii and Wii U gamers: playing Sports Club 4000, or whatever games are available, is not better than sex. You will, undoubtedly, spend the rest of your life as the friend who never gets a plus one included in your wedding invites. Because you will always be alone. Because you own a Wii.

Lastly, before we get to the good stuff, I must state that I can only comment as a heterosexual man. Those of different genders and sexual orientations, please add your input in the comments and forum.

I love you Xbox One

Why gaming is better than sex

Let’s get straight to it – list form.

You do not have to take your PS4 to expensive restaurants

Instead of spending 30% of your monthly salary on fine wine and gourmet food, as you would when wooing a woman on a date, all you have to do to turn your PS4 on is push the power button.

The money you save can be used to buy Woolworths meals and games. There is also no need to tell your PS4 it looks pretty and smells nice for it to work optimally.

Cleanup is a breeze

Sweaty bed sheets and duvet covers, clothes lying all over the floor, fogged up windows, mugs put down on tables without using a coaster – sex is messy business.

When it comes to gaming, all you need to do when you are done is put your controller down and throw away the empty two-litre bottle of whatever you were drinking.

Plus, there is no need to tie stuff up with a knot and then debate whether it is okay to flush it down the toilet.

Gaming is safer

Gaming is safe. There are no STDs to worry about, you and your PS4 do not need to take a day off work to go to the doctor together and get tests done, and there is no risk of your PS4 putting on weight and multiplying after a quick session before work.

Besides the biological dangers, there is little risk your bed legs will break while playing a game of Sniper Elite, or you neighbours knocking on the wall asking you to keep the noise down.

Do you accept Groupon vouchers?

Multiplayer is encouraged

Few things are more fun than inviting a few friends over for a small LAN, or meeting online for some multiplayer action. Sex, though, is normally a two-player game – one player sometimes depending on how tired your partner is.

Quite frankly, it is anti-social. “Hey honey, let’s invite a few friends over for a Madden multiplayer night.” Perfectly acceptable.

“Hey honey, let’s invite two of your friends over for a game of Make Kevin Happy.” That does not go down well.

It’s acceptable to do at your parents’ house

If your TV or sound system is too loud while playing Grand Theft Auto at your parents’ house, your mom will knock on your door and ask you to turn it down.

If you are having loud sex at your parents’ house, no one will bother you at all.

Instead, you are left alone and the next morning’s breakfast is rather quiet with all eye contact avoided.

Sharing your performance online is acceptable

I am not at the stage yet where I share my screenshots and gameplay videos online, but I can understand the appeal – taking out an enemy from 700m away in Paracel Storm is worth bragging about.

Recording an energetic session of lovemaking where you felt your performance was worthy of widespread applause, though, normally gets you in trouble.

In some instances, it can even see you land up in court if you decide to put it online – especially if you tag it with “See how good my aim is”, or “She’s not getting up after that”.

Are mom and dad angry at us?

Your PS4 does not take a week off

For my safety, and those around me, I am leaving this point as a headline only. Take from it what you will.

Well, those are the main reasons why gaming is better than sex. If you can think of any more, please detail them in the comments and forum.

Note: Kevin may be decent at Abe’s Oddysee, but he is what we would call “lost”. We’re not even sure if he’s even had sex. For the sake of your mental and physical well-being, never chose gaming over sex. Ever.