Wow.

That is the only word I can think of to describe Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II. If you’re wondering if it’s “That beagle on the unicycle juggling the four monkeys is AMAZING!” kind of ‘wow’ – it’s not.

It’s the kind of ‘wow’ you feel when your parents get you a pair of socks for your 21st birthday; and then proceed to defecate in them – in front of all your friends.

You see, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II (a name that is going to annoy me to no end in this review) is not only a terrible game, it is also a terrible insult to anyone who likes Harry Potter or the Harry Potter universe. Hell, I’m not the biggest follower of the game franchise, and even I feel a bit personally insulted by what EA slapped us in the faces with.

Let’s get to the good stuff first: Harry Hallows and the Deathly Pot Part Twee isn’t an ugly game to look at. Sure, the character models run around awkwardly, and I have a sneaking suspicion that the developers have hidden a carrot up Ron’s arse – but the cut scenes look pretty enough, and the environments have nice textures.

The game also comes on one of the roundest disks I’ve seen to date! A wonderful quality.

Cool; I’m glad we have that out of the way. Let’s get to the bad.

CRUCIO!

Everything about Hallowed Potter and the Hairy Death Part Dos, from concept to conclusion, makes me wince. Conceptually what has happened, is that EA have murdered Marcus Fenix, of Gears of War fame, and tried to pull Harry’s smooth, delicate skin over his bulky muscled frame – and the results are just as messy as it sounds.

It’s a complete bastardization of the Harry Potter name.

In a world of wands and magic and wonderment, why are Harry, Ron and Hermione running around with guns? Sure, they look like wands, but functionally, they are no different to the generic array of weaponry you find in every other shooter out there. The only change? You switch “spells” instead of switching weapons.

I would have been far happier seeing Harry whip out a tree-trunk-sized wand to shoot missile spells, than occasionally hearing the boy flaccidly shout “Impedimenta!” I’m also pretty sure that ‘Stupefy’ was a one-hit kind of spell that didn’t kill people.

I mean, if you’re going to take the complete piss out of a concept, do it properly.

Every level, from Gringotts to Hogwarts, will see you doing the same repetitive exercise of “duck behind this”, “shoot those guys over there”, “Guard Hermione while she tries to open a door…again” – ad nauseam.

Enemies are ridiculously stupid – practically prancing around in front of you. Though to be fair, I don’t think you actually ever kill them – there are about two and a half enemy character models, so really, you’re just killing the same guys.

The Bosses in Harpy Parper and the Derpy Herp Part II are just as idiotic, basically standing around out in the open, ready to welcome your spells with a hug.

Perhaps it’s the game showing us how dark wizards express their arrogance of being untouchable. Or perhaps one of the AI developers working on the game got distracted by a butterfly and wandered off a cliff.

Any apparent “diversity” in the game, with character switches, collectables, different difficulty levels and occasional changes in gameplay – are simply shallow tricks or additionals that are sort of expected in any old game released nowadays; and pretty much amount to sticking Jelly-tots into a turd and thinking it makes it dessert.

The game is mercifully short, clocking in at about 5 hours if you’re missing half of your motor functioning, and about 15 minutes if you’re smart and throw the game away and go watch the exponentially better movies, instead.

CONCLUSIO!

The bottom line is this: Herp Parp and the Derp Hurr part Der is a terrible game. I have no idea who it was made for. True Harry Potter fans will cry tears of blood at how their precious universe has been so blithely mauled – and shooter fans will literally gouge their own eyes out at the pure level of blandness the game exhibits.

I can only assume that this game was then designed for people who have no hands, no eyes and no sense of pleasure. That, or parents who have spoiled, screechy children who would eat a piece of excrement that has a Harry Potter sticker on it.

Having been a fan of the Harry Potter books and movies, and having never played any of the games (because “cash-in” doesn’t quite cover my views on movie-to-game adaptations) I can say, without any hesitance or doubt, that EA hates you – and this game is all the proof I need.

Wow…just…wow.

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