the JOKE thread

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Subject: Christmas party-


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!

We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free
to sing along.

And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as
Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 p.m.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however,
no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make
a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There
will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other
types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table... you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to
handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange. No gift exchange allowed now since the
Union officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management
believe $10.00 is a little cheap.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November
RE: Holiday Party


What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our
Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving
your meal
until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to
take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet; pregnant women will get the table closest
to the toilets; Gays are allowed to sit with each other; Lesbians do not
have to sit with gay men; each will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing
allowed.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the
food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food
first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant
cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.


Vegetarian pricks! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so
quaintly put it. You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic
tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too. They scream when
you slice them.

I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!

Hope you all have a rotten holiday ! Drink, drive, and die!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy
recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full
pay.
 
A polish man moved to the usa and married an american girl. Although his english was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer: Have you any grounds?

The man: Yes and acre and half and nice little home.

Lawyer: No, i mean what is the foundation of this case?

The man: It made of concrete.

Lawyer: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

The man: No, we have carport, and not need one.

Lawyer: I mean, what are your relations like?

The man: All my relations still in poland .

Lawyer: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

The man: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good dvd player.

Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?

The man: No, i always up before her.

Lawyer: Is your wife a nagger?

The man: No, she white.

Lawyer: Why do you want this divorce?

The man: She going to kill me

lawyer: What makes you think that?

The man: I got proof

lawyer: What kind of proof?

The man: She is going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: '"polish remover".
 
Since the whole Star Trek theme is busy plundering the forums, I thought it appropriate to post this:

Bizarro6.gif
 
old one

Three woman Die And go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And although they try their best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day,
The second woman steps accidentally on a duck
And along comes St. Peter,
Who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together
With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,
Not wanting to be chained
For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months
Without stepping on any ducks,
But
One day St.Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being
Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,
'I don't know about you,
But I stepped on a
Duck.
 
Heres a few jokes:

EA
Ubisoft
Activison

Heres another:

Watter van die volgende name lyk nie vir jou bekend nie?
1. Robert Mugabe
2. Julius Malema
3. Adv Barbie
4. Giuseppe Riccardi
5. Schabir Shaik
6. Tiger Woods









Seker bietjie gesukkel met no. 4, né?

Tipies!

Jy ken al die swartes, slette en skelms, maar jy weet nie wie is die pous nie!
 
Last edited:
Having a bad day?

This one might have been posted before - but I'm not going through 62 pages to check :p

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."
 
Smart salesman

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked; "Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"

Aghast, the man said, "Are you NUTS? That's robbery!"

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again; "Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again, the man replies bluntly; "You must be crazy, now go away!"

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy; "Sir, please have one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite, then suddenly spits it out.
"HEY," he snarled, "This brownie tastes like crap!!!"

"It is," replied the salesman; "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
 
Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!


------------ --------- --------oOo- -----------


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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your f***ing plane!"
 
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land !”
 
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