Dealing with Cancer

Mephisto_Helix

Mephisto_Helix

Grump Squad
First off, I'm not making this thread so I can feel sorry for myself ..... please don't see it as such.

I just heard this evening that the mass in my Mom's throat is cancerous and I've now calmed enough to want to know about your experiences. You know, just to get feedback I suppose because to be honest, I don't know how to handle something like this. It's different to dealing with a sudden death, that's for sure.

Anyway, if anyone has had family members or themselves diagnosed with cancer and the like and feels like sharing how they dealt with it and whatnot, I'm all ears. Hopefully it can serve a purpose of some kind :)
 
My condolences must have been quite a shock to yours and her system when you got given that news.

Only one I know in my family is my aunt in Pretoria who had breast cancer many years back and not long ago had lung cancer which spread around her whole body.

Seems like it is still there even after all her treatment and with her hair falling out and her mom and husband aren't taking it too well.
 
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I don't know how I coped, my aunt was diagnosed in June and I was busy with exams so I was lucky enough to be to busy to think about it, but I failed most of tests.

Best advice I can give is to find something to loose yourself in, a hobby or project but don't sit back and depress yourself.
 
I'm sorry to hear that. :(

I have not had a personal experience like that.

Cancer as such wouldn't rattle me in itself tbh. 1 in 3 people get it - such is modern life. However, specific types would rattle me pretty solidly. :(

>>I don't know how to handle something like this.

Two fold. Firstly you need to work out a way to get your own head straight. i.e. Cope with the issue. So that secondly you have the ability to be strong and offer her support. And it has to be in that order...you just can't convincingly be strong for someone else if you're a wreck yourself. Support being both emotionally but also practically - if they put her on chemo then she'll have a reduced ability to do work around the house.

All of that will take time though. If you just heard today, then maybe "be strong" isn't quite the right message for you now - but it will be soon enough. Don't rush it.

Also keep in mind that we've advanced quite a bit in this field. That 1 in 3 stat...the doctors have had quite a bit of practice in dealing with this. ;)
 
Ai MH so sorry to hear babe.

As you know I work at oncology. I deal with cancer everyday of my life. You have to be strong for your mother. Depending on the treatment she'll get, she's really gonna need it. I know its gonna be very hard for you to deal with as well but you have to think of her well being first.

To give some advice on how your mom can deal, or how you can help her deal with it. Both radiation and chemo is very difficult for the body and emotions to deal with. If she gets chemo: She will either get it everyday, or once every week or even once every 2/4 weeks. It all depends on the stage of the mass. As you've probably heard, the chemotherapy really makes you sick. And the body can only handle so much. If she gets radiation, it will be treatment, everyday, for anything from 1 to 8 weeks. The treatment will take about 15mins every session. Yes radiotherapy does burn the patient, but can also be very effective in shrinking the mass.

Because I work with cancer patients everyday of my life, I've come to notice what they appreciate and don't appreciate. They do not want your pity. At all. Treat your mom as normal as you possibly can. She's gonna need it. This sounds rather harsh, but make jokes about it. (I know it's not a laughing matter, but believe me, it helps) Do not mention death or even the possibility of being bedridden. This is not an option. And will not happen as long as you just stay positive and motivate her. Also, let her breath. I know this will be difficult because you want to make sure she is alright all the time. But she needs her space so she can work through this.

Even though it's difficult for you as her son, it's even more so for her. MH, really, you might laugh at me now, but pray. It really does help. Expose her to the positive things in life. Follow all diet requirements strict. Be by her side, but don't overcloud her. Make her happy and she will win this battle.

This is just from my personal experience everyday. I am not a doctor or professor or whatever, so don't feel you have to live by anything I said. It's just my advice to you... All will be fine, you'll see! :o
 
Thank you for the feedback so far, I appreciate it a lot.

Afaik, the specialist said something about radiotherapy because he's quite sure that that may be enough although the chance of it coming back at a later stage is higher than with chemo, so it's a double edged sword. She's already kakked on me for being down about it, lol. She wants me to continue to make her laugh, not be depro so I get what you're saying Cara. I've already told her that if the treatment makes her hair fall out, I will shave mah locks and that can be her wig, hehe.
 
Mephisto_Helix said:
Thank you for the feedback so far, I appreciate it a lot.

Afaik, the specialist said something about radiotherapy because he's quite sure that that may be enough although the chance of it coming back at a later stage is higher than with chemo, so it's a double edged sword. She's already kakked on me for being down about it, lol. She wants me to continue to make her laugh, not be depro so I get what you're saying Cara. I've already told her that if the treatment makes her hair fall out, I will shave mah locks and that can be her wig, hehe.
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LoLiez ag shame. Tbh, if i find a lump in my breast or even just get skin cancer, i do not want any treatment at all. But thats my opinion. As for my family I will make sure they get every available treatment. But if I really have to choose, it will probably be radiation. Unfortunately cancer is unpredictable. It's all 50/50. Either the radiation will help or the chemo.

But strongs MH. Make yo mama laugh like yo make me laugh!!! :D
 
Mephisto_Helix said:
Thank you for the feedback so far, I appreciate it a lot.

Afaik, the specialist said something about radiotherapy because he's quite sure that that may be enough although the chance of it coming back at a later stage is higher than with chemo, so it's a double edged sword. She's already kakked on me for being down about it, lol. She wants me to continue to make her laugh, not be depro so I get what you're saying Cara. I've already told her that if the treatment makes her hair fall out, I will shave mah locks and that can be her wig, hehe.
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Well that all sounds promising - certainly sounds like the less scary variety.

To be clear - I have zero medical training, but two things...

I'm thinking you skipped the part where they surgically remove the mass. ;)

I'd follow up on the chemo if you get a chance. As I understand it radiotherapy and chemo are synergistic & its best to hit it hard immediately to prevent it from metastasizing. The specialist will no doubt know best, but lets just say I was surprised when I read it. So maybe just understand his thought process in that conclusion.

Oh and +billion on mentioning the hair thing to her. Its a daily & tangible reminder that the family will back her no matter what. I'd also suggest pushing all males in her immediate vicinity *hard* on this front to go bald.

NB males only. With a guy you can tell him to man the fck up and support her by shaving his head. With women its a bit more tricky...they're psychologically attached to their long beautiful hair as part of body image, so they need to come up with the shaving scheme on their own...it can't be (safely) pushed.

As for wig - I can't really comment & I'd imagine its a personal choice. However my gut instinct tells me that going bald and approaching it with an attitude like this would yield a better outcome. Or as some people say "own it". NB thats a raw shot in the dark & gut feeling.

Anyway...meph...I'm not all that good at the whole shoulder to cry on thing, but if you ever need someone to speak to I'll help to whatever extent I'm capable of. ;)

Cara said:
i do not want any treatment at all. But thats my opinion.
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If it ever comes to that I'll spend a serious amount of time trying to talk you out of that plan. Everyone deserves to make their own calls, but simultaneously I feel morally obligated to at least attempt to speak to someone when I feel they are making a serious life threatening mistake. Lets hope for the both of us that we'll never have that discussion. :)
 
i am extremely blessed / lucky to not know anyone close to me who has had cancer. but i know a lot of people not only had cancer, but beat it 100%. as the saying goes, cancer CAN be beaten!

i am sorry for what you are going through and what you will be going through. i dont know you, but if what i can tell from your dealings here then you are strong enough to make it through this, and help your mom through this too. but you never have to go about it alone! there are people here who love helping (Cara!) and some just listening.

and if you ever just want to get away, take a drive to Ballito and come relax on the beach with us! may seem a bit shallow, but i mean it sincerely! fresh air for the win! PM me to take me up, its a genuine offer of a get-away!
 
Good thing I'm reading all this kindness and support while under the influence a touch because I think I would seriously have a case of the sniffles if I was sober. They would be man sniffles but sniffles nonetheless.
It means a lot and I am happy that our gaming forum has the people it does .... I mean I've known it for ages already but it's nice that we can show some other forums how cool we are :)


P.S - Cara - I have to agree with Hav, I would also talk you out of that in a heartbeat. If it ever came to it and hopefully it doesn't, ever, I would offer my services as a lump feeler, completely free of charge! :p
 
HavocXphere said:
If it ever comes to that I'll spend a serious amount of time trying to talk you out of that plan. Everyone deserves to make their own calls, but simultaneously I feel morally obligated to at least attempt to speak to someone when I feel they are making a serious life threatening mistake. Lets hope for the both of us that we'll never have that discussion. :)
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I'll pm you the reason for my decision. It just doesn't feel right posting it here. :)
 
Mephisto_Helix said:
P.S - Cara - I have to agree with Hav, I would also talk you out of that in a heartbeat. If it ever came to it and hopefully it doesn't, ever, I would offer my services as a lump feeler, completely free of charge! :p
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Well since you also commented on that i would tell you why that is my decision. But please do not take any of this into consideration as it is my opinion and my experience on this.

In the past 3 years working with all these cancer patients, i've come to get to know the whole process. There's always just a 50% chance... Never a 100%. You never know for sure. Maybe I'll still go for radiation. I don't know. It's a big maybe. My whole thing is this: Not being sure getting the treatment will actually cure you.

You come in everyday for chemo. Fighting. Being sick. The chemo makes you super sick. Vomiting, pain, bloodclots, dry skin/mouth, losing sight, no energy. I feel that if I only have 5 years to live, why live it in the oncology centre, getting treatment??? Its the last 5 years you have to live. Do you want to live your time on earth being sick and bedridden?

Well I don't want to do that. I'll take my morphine for the pain and live my remaining time to the fullest. Do what I want how I want and preparing myself and my family for my death. You're sicker with chemo + cancer, as just having cancer.

And that my dear friends, is why i will never in my life, get treatment. I see what happens. I know what happens. I dont want to go through that.

PS. Yes MH, I'm sure you'll be my lump feeler for free :rolleyes:
 
Mephisto_Helix said:
while under the influence a touch
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ah thats OK...I'm also rockin a bit of red wine right now. In vino veritas est. ;) (Protip: Latin sayings FTW in life)

Something else that just occurred to me. Don't shave preemptively...has to coincide with her starting to lose hair. If she's only getting radio then afaik no hair loss though.

As for radio...read up on the precision targeting used. The whole radiation things sounds scary, so it'll be useful if you've got a sound bite or two on hand emphasizing how targeted it is when she is doubting the process. (Psychologically the *precision* targeting angle works really well). These things have been thought through - its safe to the best of humanity's cutting edge ability. So quit worrying about the technical aspect - people more intelligent than you & I have got that covered. Focus on the psychological / human aspect. Its a question of managing her mental state more than anything (keeping in mind what I said in initial post) - and thats one crucial area where you as her son can make a real difference.
 
My dad died in July. Was difficult, especially since I wasn't able to be there.

How to deal with it? I don't think you do, I think you just get back into your routine and put it all to the side and deal with it (those thoughts and emotions) when you have a breather. And then, even when you think you've dealt with it and thinking about it all doesn't feel quite as raw any longer, when some daft part of you starts to think it's all getting better and maybe the doctors were wrong, some silly memory or sensation or thought strikes you and you're back to where you were.

Knowing that someone you love is dying eats you up and it eats them up too. But you can't do anything but watch and wait...

My dad was stubborn: gave the impression he was "meh" but fine until the last. In fact, his passing was so sudden nobody saw it coming. I spoke to him on Skype on the Wednesday--a day he was still running errands in town, checking the post, having a beer at the pub, speaking with friends, etc--that Friday doctors said he was dying and the following Wednesday morning, seven days after last talking to him, he was dead.

There's no useful advice anyone can give you, nothing that anybody can say but there is one thing that they can do and that is to just listen. Because talking about it is good, sharing your memories and feelings is good and it helps to bring a sense of closure and reassurance that you've said all you can to each other and that you don't have anything left unresolved.

But your mom is still alive and kicking yet, so while she can fight it, I say fight it. And support her and treat her like normal: as you say, make her laugh, tease her, fight with her, whatever just be normal.

It's difficult. I still have my mom, though I've come close to losing the silly old woman a few times over the years. I have to admit that I struggle to believe that I could cope should she die before I do. She's the kind of person who keeps you believing in the good inside people, makes you have faith in humanity, proud to be alive and all that jazz. Losing my dad was hell enough...

I dunno, I has teh morbs thinking about all this...

Just hold on, enjoy and cherish the time you have together and stay by her side through it all...
 
:( don't even know why i opened this thread. All the feels

our family is fortunate and blessed enough to apparently not have any cancer at all (extended family included) which is awesome but I have had to deal with alot of people really close to me dealing with it. There is no advice I can give. I'm always full of jokes and they always seem to appreciate that.

My one buddy passed away last year from Mesynchomal Chondrasacoma ( spelling) and he was 20, budding programmer. The irony of him calling himself the next Steve Jobs was not lost on me. Considering the nature of the forum, i thought it worthy of mention that he was a gamer and those "wins" in games kinda motivated him. Sometimes you just need a little win during the day when everything else seems to be a loss. lol a stupid suggestion but one nonetheless; teach her to game :)

Else all the best. good luck. It's a really tough journey but I really hope it all works out
 
Hey man. I'm sorry that you and your family have to go through this. All I can say is that being supportive of your Ma is paramount. Good on you for the hair thing. I truly hope she recovers well. Strongs buddy.
 
Aw man, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom.

I lost my mother to cancer 15 years ago. She was first diagnosed when I was in primary school, and kept going for about 6 or 7 years through lots of chemo and radio therapy, and it would come and go. Started out as breast cancer, but would keep popping up somewhere else and eventually got too widespread. She eventually passed when I was in matric. Just a day or two before my matric exams in fact.

Throughout everything though, she was still one of the strongest people I have ever known, and it seemed that she was more concerned with the rest of us than herself, although I think she was probably trying to shield us from how bad it was.

I hope that they have caught the cancer early enough in your mom's case that they can get it into remission. People do beat cancer, and hopefully medical technology is better these days than it was back then.

But stay strong dude, just be there for her. Don't fuss over her because no-one wants to feel like they are an invalid, and pity sucks. Just normal, happy everyday life is the best thing. If there are chores or anything that you can help with to take up some slack though, that would help to take a load off because the treatments really do take a toll.
 
Hey dude

My experience is that on monday it will have been 4 years since my dad passed away from Pancreatic cancer, however what I can say is that you have the opportunity to research and find something to get through this and possibly take on new opportunities. My unfortunate circumstance was that when we found it was too late and he left us 2 months later but that's purely because with Pancreatic there is no cure for it.

Seriously bud be positive and look for as many possible methods as you can. The only difference between you and the doc is that you have the knowledge of the Interwebz and the trials out there for you to find are endless.

Do as much research as you possibly can and send them on to the oncologist, they really do appreciate the work you do on your end as it gives them ideas and a thought process to assist them in finding a cure for your mom. I was just unlucky that I couldn't find anything in time and if you need help in finding stuff you can always call.

EDIT: Just another thing to add, I don't know what it is and how the hell it actually works is that the more positive and strong about the situation the person suffering and the family are the better their chances of going into remission are.

I see soooooooo many cases of this, because people believe that they will get better and sure as hell it seems to work so literally just tell everyone to treat it as though it was a normal virus and push hard to overcome the challenges you're about to face.
 
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Hey dude

My mother has had leukemia most of her adult life, She hid it when we were children so i never really knew although there were times she was horribly ill and the one time she had a stroke and i found her in the living room ya that did some damage to my memories, in any case she is an extremely rare blood type can't remember what and somehow ended up as a guinea pig for some swedish doctors experimental treatments over the last few years,moved to the coast so its easier for lumbar punctures and such to be done when they are required.

Well whatever they gave her to inject herself with is working she is in remission and everything seems fine, her overall health is not the best but she is okay, So dont give up hope man anything can happen.
 
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