Having just a moment ago installed, played and then immediately uninstalled the Game That Shall Not Be Named, I have to say I'm not surprised it's dying on its arse (allegedly). Within seconds of loading up the game for the first time a Goblin leapt onto the screen and almost gave himself a hernia trying to get me to sign up to Paypal. I then panicked when I saw that the news screen was revealing H*N's latest champion........Monkey King (yeah. check it out if you don't believe). I thought I had stepped into a parallel universe where I had perhaps made a different choice in my younger days (I suspect the choice was "Fall down the stairs more often").
Clicking on the shop during a game presents you with a screen of such migraine-inducing complexity I thought I was playing Eve Online again (double-shudder). I frantically bashed buttons until all my gold was gone (all 1500 of it, because everyone knows the best online games are ones where tryhards can theorycraft the **** out of their initial items and then insert them into new players in new and interesting ways) and then waited for some minions to spawn.
And boy, did they ever. Charging their way out of the base like lightning out of a gun that shoots lightning, they charged past me and headed into battle with frankly irresponsible fervour. And I couldn't keep up. I repeat, my minions were faster than me. When my f***ing minions are making me feel inferior, I start to get twitchy and not in a matrix way. When I finally caught up with my creep wave (or creep raging tsunami, if you will), I noticed with confusion that some of my minions had gone rogue and were brutally slaying their betrayed comrades. But this apparent insubordination was soon explained by the fact that every single thing that moves in H*N looks exactly the same. Friends, enemies, monsters, trees. Basically you right click on something spazzing out in a lane and hope to your deity that it's not on your side.
You see, in LoL, the allegiance of a champion or minion is readily determined by the colour of its health bar. Green = Friend, Red = Foe. It is a simple yet pants-wettingly effective method of working out what you need to kill. In H*N, the colour of a thing's health bar is determined by its......health. Green = I have lots of health. Orange = Oooer, bit dodgy, not sure why that dude on my side is hitting me. Red = I am about to die, starting to regret running to this lane like a freebasing gazelle. BECAUSE YOU SEE, YOU FOOLISH LOL PLAYERS, YOU CANNOT WORK OUT HOW MUCH HEALTH SOMEONE HAS JUST BY LOOKING AT HOW SHORT THEIR HEALTH BAR IS OH NO NO NO! YOU MUST HAVE TWO SEPARATE VISUAL CUES TO ALLOW SUCH A COMPLEX STATISTIC TO BE CONVEYED TO THE PLAYER!
Oh, and another thing. I hope you're ready, here it comes - terrain height fog of war. That scream of terror you just heard was probably you (to quote an old Seanbaby article). I hope you liked X-Com, people.
Finally we reached a tower. As it began to focus my minions (or maybe they weren't my minions, who the hell can tell) I slid past them and began to attack the tower. It immediately switched focus to me for no apparent reason other than this game was getting desperate in thinking up new ways to suck. An enemy champion/minion/monster/cobblestone then jumped over an entire forest and killed me in one shot. I attempted to click on the World of Warcraft Endgame Raid UI that is the shop to see if I could buy anything with the 13 gold I had acquired thus far, but suddenly I was greeted with a pitch black screen and silence. My desktop then appeared and windows cheerfully informed me that it had blocked an unknown program from accessing the network.
I hope that in a year's time, it will be an unknown program.