the JOKE thread
- Thread starter wizdumb
- Start date
_Caboose_
MG's resident Boozer
wizdumb
New member
Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Indian restaurant in New York . Sid asked Al, 'Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in India ?'
Al replied, 'I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.'
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Indian Jews?'
The waiter said, 'I doont be knowing, I ask cooksaheb..' He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, 'No sir, no Indian Jews.'
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, 'Are you absolutely sure?'
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with 'foreigners' gave the expected answer, 'I check again,' and went back into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away in the kitchen, Sid said, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in India . Our people are scattered everywhere.'
The waiter returned and said, 'Cooksaheb say there is no Indian Jews.'
'Are you certain?' Al asked once again, 'I just can't believe there are no Indian Jews!'
'Madhar Chod ! Listen, I asked EVERYONE,' replied the frustrated waiter. 'All we have is Mango Jews, Pineapple Jews, Orange Jews, Cococnut Jews & Tomato Jews! - No Indian Jews !!! '
Al replied, 'I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.'
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Indian Jews?'
The waiter said, 'I doont be knowing, I ask cooksaheb..' He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, 'No sir, no Indian Jews.'
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, 'Are you absolutely sure?'
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with 'foreigners' gave the expected answer, 'I check again,' and went back into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away in the kitchen, Sid said, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in India . Our people are scattered everywhere.'
The waiter returned and said, 'Cooksaheb say there is no Indian Jews.'
'Are you certain?' Al asked once again, 'I just can't believe there are no Indian Jews!'
'Madhar Chod ! Listen, I asked EVERYONE,' replied the frustrated waiter. 'All we have is Mango Jews, Pineapple Jews, Orange Jews, Cococnut Jews & Tomato Jews! - No Indian Jews !!! '
pcfourie
New member
A New Zealand ventriloquist visiting Australia walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Ozzie
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Kiwi.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Ozzie: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Ozzie: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Ozzie: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Ozzie: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'
Ozzie: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Ozzie: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar......'
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Ozzie
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Kiwi.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Ozzie: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Ozzie: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Ozzie: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Ozzie: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'
Ozzie: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Ozzie: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar......'
HANDsolo
New member
HAHAHAHA!!! I guess the Aussie has something to hide?
Ya. And he is hiding it in the sheep. Twice a day.
wizdumb
New member
A boy comes home from school at 7pm, His dad says "where were you? "
"I was with Jessica." He replied.
"What were you doing?"
"We were revising."
After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely."
Dad replies "Wash your hands son; they're f$%cking donuts."
"I was with Jessica." He replied.
"What were you doing?"
"We were revising."
After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely."
Dad replies "Wash your hands son; they're f$%cking donuts."
_Caboose_
MG's resident Boozer
At a Doctor's surgery one morning a patient arrives complaining of
serious back ache. The doctor examines him and asks him,
"What the hell did you do to your back?
"The patient replies, "You know that I am a bouncer at a local night
club?
Well, yesterday morning I got home to my flat quite early and heard a
noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been sleeping with
my wife as my wife was lying naked in bed and the balcony door was open.
I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down
from the balcony I saw a man running out of the building and he was
dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. That's how I
strained my back.
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The
doctor says, "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible.
What the hell happened to you? The 2nd patient replies, "You know I have
been unemployed for a while now Doctor? Well yesterday morning was my
first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late.
I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and
you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge.
The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients
did.
The doctor was shocked. Again he asks, "What the hell happened to you?"
"Well I was sitting in a fridge ....
serious back ache. The doctor examines him and asks him,
"What the hell did you do to your back?
"The patient replies, "You know that I am a bouncer at a local night
club?
Well, yesterday morning I got home to my flat quite early and heard a
noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been sleeping with
my wife as my wife was lying naked in bed and the balcony door was open.
I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down
from the balcony I saw a man running out of the building and he was
dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. That's how I
strained my back.
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The
doctor says, "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible.
What the hell happened to you? The 2nd patient replies, "You know I have
been unemployed for a while now Doctor? Well yesterday morning was my
first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late.
I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and
you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge.
The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients
did.
The doctor was shocked. Again he asks, "What the hell happened to you?"
"Well I was sitting in a fridge ....
wizdumb
New member
A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton.
The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.
The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud.
'This is not the 1928 Mouton.'
The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton.
Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.
'My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine.'
Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928.
“I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."
Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him,
"My boy, when you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You’ll soon understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."
The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.
The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud.
'This is not the 1928 Mouton.'
The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton.
Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.
'My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine.'
Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928.
“I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."
Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him,
"My boy, when you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You’ll soon understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."
Raven Gold
Local Boy Hunter
Sue Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
so I think we will name him...
Are you ready for this?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
scroll down.................................
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Sum Ting Wong
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
so I think we will name him...
Are you ready for this?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
scroll down.................................
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Sum Ting Wong
_Caboose_
MG's resident Boozer
How to make any woman agree that she is a bitch.
Guy: "Your a bitch!"
Girl: "U (insert swear words"
Guy: wait wait wait u know what bitch stands for?
Girl: No...........
Guy: Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented (shes agreeing with you at this point already) , Charming, Horny OOPS i meant Happy
Guy: "Your a bitch!"
Girl: "U (insert swear words"
Guy: wait wait wait u know what bitch stands for?
Girl: No...........
Guy: Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented (shes agreeing with you at this point already) , Charming, Horny OOPS i meant Happy
Ozerc0n
New member
A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "excuthe me do you
have widdle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that
he is on her level and says "do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft
fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?"
.
The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands
on her knees, leans forward and whispers, " I don't wealy fink my
anaconda gives a phuc."
have widdle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that
he is on her level and says "do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft
fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?"
.
The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands
on her knees, leans forward and whispers, " I don't wealy fink my
anaconda gives a phuc."
Necuno
The Piper
Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.
DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.
DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.
Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.
OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.
Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.
NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can't even get aboard.
Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they're building.
CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don't need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don't fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don't go anywhere. But that's okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.
DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.
DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.
Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.
OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.
Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.
NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can't even get aboard.
Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they're building.
CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don't need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don't fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don't go anywhere. But that's okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.
HANDsolo
New member
When is a Tiger a dog? When it's a Woods.
The affair is affecting Tiger's game. His last drive was straight into a water hazard.
Tiger Woods complained after being fined $174 for his accident Friday morning, saying that normally for driving into a water hazard and hitting a tree he should only receive one penalty stroke.
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
Have you heard that Tiger's new movie is out? It's called Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.
The affair is affecting Tiger's game. His last drive was straight into a water hazard.
Tiger Woods complained after being fined $174 for his accident Friday morning, saying that normally for driving into a water hazard and hitting a tree he should only receive one penalty stroke.
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
Have you heard that Tiger's new movie is out? It's called Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.
HANDsolo
New member
Jan, Koos and Sipho were talking about their daughters.
Jan, "I looked in my daughter's cupboards yesterday and found a bottle of vodka. I was shocked. I didn't know my daughter drank."
Koos, "That's nothing. I looked in my daughter's cupboards yesterday and found a box of cigarettes. I was shocked. I didn't know my daughter smoked."
Sipho, "That's nothing. I looked in my daughter's cupboards yesterday and found a condom. I was shocked. I did not know she had a penis."
Jan, "I looked in my daughter's cupboards yesterday and found a bottle of vodka. I was shocked. I didn't know my daughter drank."
Koos, "That's nothing. I looked in my daughter's cupboards yesterday and found a box of cigarettes. I was shocked. I didn't know my daughter smoked."
Sipho, "That's nothing. I looked in my daughter's cupboards yesterday and found a condom. I was shocked. I did not know she had a penis."
sycogrim
MyGaming Comp Authoritah
Top 10 times in History when the use of the “f-word†was appropriate
1. "Scattered Fscking showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
2. "How the fsck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
3. "You want WHAT on the fscking ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where did all those fscking Indians come from?" - Custer,1877
5. "It does so fscking look like her!" - Picasso,1926
6. "Where the fsck are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
7. "Any fscking idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
8. "What the fsck was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima,1945
9. "I need this parade like I need a fscking hole in the head!" - JFK,1963
10. "Aw c'mon. Who the fsck is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton
1. "Scattered Fscking showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
2. "How the fsck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
3. "You want WHAT on the fscking ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where did all those fscking Indians come from?" - Custer,1877
5. "It does so fscking look like her!" - Picasso,1926
6. "Where the fsck are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
7. "Any fscking idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
8. "What the fsck was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima,1945
9. "I need this parade like I need a fscking hole in the head!" - JFK,1963
10. "Aw c'mon. Who the fsck is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton
Wenzdayz
Thread Killer Mk III
NATAL CURRY CONTEST
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no Hope
for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this
slowly.
For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is.
They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting
from America.
Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry
Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all
that
spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted".
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy sh - t, what the hell is this stuff? You
could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
CURRY #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
Wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer
When they saw the look on my face.
CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium's pill. My nose feels
like
I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting p-ssed from all
the
beer.
CURRY # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or
other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman
is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili
an aphrodisiac?
CURRY # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the
chili peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I
can no longer focus my eyes. I f@rted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili
had given me
brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it
from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really p-sses
me
off that the
other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CURRY # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to sh 1 t myself if I f@rt and
I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
stand
behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my @ss with a snow cone ice-cream.
CURRY # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this
stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch
hole in my stomach.
CURRY # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report.
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no Hope
for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this
slowly.
For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is.
They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting
from America.
Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry
Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all
that
spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted".
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy sh - t, what the hell is this stuff? You
could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
CURRY #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
Wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer
When they saw the look on my face.
CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium's pill. My nose feels
like
I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting p-ssed from all
the
beer.
CURRY # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or
other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman
is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili
an aphrodisiac?
CURRY # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the
chili peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I
can no longer focus my eyes. I f@rted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili
had given me
brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it
from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really p-sses
me
off that the
other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CURRY # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to sh 1 t myself if I f@rt and
I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
stand
behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my @ss with a snow cone ice-cream.
CURRY # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this
stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch
hole in my stomach.
CURRY # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report.