the JOKE thread
- Thread starter wizdumb
- Start date
wizdumb
New member
hahaha...ginger's have soul, ginger's have soul....did you see he was singing alone, as gingers don't have friends
phoenix
New member
In light of the dispatching of Osama Bin Laden
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
McT
New member
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Martin van Tonder
New member
So Steve decides to hold a Animal Theme Party for his birthday.
Everything is set, everything looks nice and one of the first guests arrive.
The guys is covered is spots all over. Steve looks at him ... stares for a second ... "I'll bet your a Leopard". "Right on!" says the guest and goes in to enjoy the party.
Another guest arrives, full of stripes and bite marks on his arse ... Steve looks at this guy and says "I think your a Zebra." ... The guest has this smile on his face and replies that he is correct and the guest goes in to enjoy the party.
The doorbell rings, Steve opens the door ... There is this guys. Stark naked with a girl on back. Steve staggers back stunned and asks "Now, what are you suppose to be?" ... He replies, "I'm a Snail." ... Steve replies in return "... and the girl on your back?"
The guy replies, "O ... That's Michelle!"
Everything is set, everything looks nice and one of the first guests arrive.
The guys is covered is spots all over. Steve looks at him ... stares for a second ... "I'll bet your a Leopard". "Right on!" says the guest and goes in to enjoy the party.
Another guest arrives, full of stripes and bite marks on his arse ... Steve looks at this guy and says "I think your a Zebra." ... The guest has this smile on his face and replies that he is correct and the guest goes in to enjoy the party.
The doorbell rings, Steve opens the door ... There is this guys. Stark naked with a girl on back. Steve staggers back stunned and asks "Now, what are you suppose to be?" ... He replies, "I'm a Snail." ... Steve replies in return "... and the girl on your back?"
The guy replies, "O ... That's Michelle!"
WarlordZim
New member
What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug.
What do you call a man without a spade on his head ?
Dougless.
Doug.
What do you call a man without a spade on his head ?
Dougless.
Damienalexi
New member
I like the adverts for games consoles; everyone is always so happy.
But for once I'd like a realistic advert. I propose an advert containing an overweight/pale & skinny man hurling a controller at the wall and calling the game a cheating cunt.
But for once I'd like a realistic advert. I propose an advert containing an overweight/pale & skinny man hurling a controller at the wall and calling the game a cheating cunt.
Damienalexi
New member
Playstation Network. About as useful as a toaster with a high powered graphics card.
utherpendragon
New member
On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"
utherpendragon
New member
Was sitting opposite an attractive Thai woman in the train thinking "don't get an erection, don't get an erection!". But she did...
THE F.B.I.
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house. "Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?"
"Yep."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house. "Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?"
"Yep."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
wizdumb
New member
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the
two words "complete" and "finished" in a way that's so easy to
understand:
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED but
there is:
When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are .....
COMPLETELY FINISHED !!!
two words "complete" and "finished" in a way that's so easy to
understand:
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED but
there is:
When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are .....
COMPLETELY FINISHED !!!
Raven Gold
Local Boy Hunter
Van Der Merve jokes!
-----------------
A Priest was seated next to Van Der Merwe on a flight to Brakpan.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
Van Der Merwe asked for a Rum and Coke, which was brought and placed
before him.
The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores
than let liquor touch my lips."
Van Der Merwe then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me
too, I didn't know we had a choice."
------------------------
Van der Merwe was watching a rugby test against the British Lions at Loftus Versfeld stadium in Pretoria. In the packed stadium, there was only one empty seat - next to Van der Merwe.
"Who does that seat belong to?" asked his neighbour.
"It's for my wife."
"But why isn't she here?"
"She died."
"So why didn't you give the ticket to one of your friends?"
"They've all gone to the funeral."
--------------------------
There was a German, an Italian and Van der Merwe on death row.The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap! He was dead.
Then it was Van der Merwe turn , and he said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and Van der Merwe fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy
Then Van der Merwe said, "Give me another one of those shots,"so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?"
Van der Merwe replied, "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom."
--------------------------------
Van der Merwe goes to Paris to watch the Boks take on the Brits at the world cup.
Whilst in Paris, he walks around, gaping and staring at everything - so much so that he walks smack bang into a fire hydrant which hits him so hard on the family jewels that he has to be rushed to hospital where the doctors tell him they have to remove his testicles.
Van goes berserk, he bites and snarls at every one and he won't let anybody within 10 metres of him. Eventually they find a South African doctor in the hospital and get him to talk to Van.
He walks up to Van and tells him "Hey Van, die ouens moet jou knaters uithaal."
Van replies "O, okay, ek dog die bliksems wil my test tickets vat."
------------------------
A boer went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," he
told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to boere," the salesman replied. He hurried home, took
a shower, changed his clothes and combed his hair, then came back and again told the
salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to boere," the salesman replied.
"Bliksem, he recognized me," he thought. So he went for a complete disguise this time,
haircut and new color, shaved off the baard, suit and tie, fake glasses, then waited a few days
before he again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." Sorry, we don't sell
to boere," the salesman replied. Frustrated, he exclaimed "Jislaaik, man! How do you know
I'm a boer?" "Because that's a microwave," the salesman replied.
--------------------------------
Van der Merwe went to Australia on vacation. One day he was sitting in one of the Outback
pubs in the North-West of WA drinking Emu Export. As he finished his third, Crocodile
Dundee came and sat next to him at the bar. Being a skeptical person by nature, Van stared at
this guy from head to toe, and at the toe his eyes got stuck. He looked up at Dundee and said:
"Hey, lekker boots my bra. What kind is these, huh??" Croc Dundee: "Hey mate, they're croc
boots" Van: "They don't look broken to me man!" Croc Dundee: "They're crocodile boots,
drongo!" Van: "Oh! Where can I get some?" Croc Dundee: "You just go down to the river and
get yourself a crocodile, mate, and then you got some boots!" Van thought this was a great
idea so he finished his beer and strolled down to the river. Without hesitation he walked into
the river about waist height and started hitting the water with the flat of his hand. Meanwhile,
back at the pub the guys were all standing at the verandah watching this spectacle. About 5
minutes passed when a crocodile floating nearby responded to Van's racket. As he
approached, Van turned around and leaped at the crocodile, literally attacking him. The others
on the porch couldn't believe what they were seeing. An hour had passed when Van finally
grabbed the crocodile in a typical "boere" death grip and dragged him out onto the riverbank.
Before letting go, Van gave the poor croc another couple of punches on the nose. The croc
was out like a candle. Van was soaked in blood, more of the croc's than his own, but nonethe-
less, he was still hurt badly. Van laid the croc down and with an enormous effort he
managed to roll the croc over. He stared down at the croc for what seemed to be ages, before
finally looking up at the very surprised crowd on the porch, and said: "Just my luck, a
crocodile without boots!"
----------------------------
Van's two 18-year-old twin daughters Hettie and Betty are helping Ma van der Merwe
redecorate. They're about to paint a bedroom when Ma sticks her head round the door and
tells them not to get any paint on their dresses. So the girls decide to paint the room in the
nude. Some time later there's a knock on the door. "Who's there?", asks Hettie. "Blind man",
comes the answer. The girls look at each other and decide it can do no harm to let him in.
Betty opens the door and in walks a bloke with a bundle under his arm. "Nice boobs," says the
guy. "Where do you want the blinds?"
-----------------
A Priest was seated next to Van Der Merwe on a flight to Brakpan.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
Van Der Merwe asked for a Rum and Coke, which was brought and placed
before him.
The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores
than let liquor touch my lips."
Van Der Merwe then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me
too, I didn't know we had a choice."
------------------------
Van der Merwe was watching a rugby test against the British Lions at Loftus Versfeld stadium in Pretoria. In the packed stadium, there was only one empty seat - next to Van der Merwe.
"Who does that seat belong to?" asked his neighbour.
"It's for my wife."
"But why isn't she here?"
"She died."
"So why didn't you give the ticket to one of your friends?"
"They've all gone to the funeral."
--------------------------
There was a German, an Italian and Van der Merwe on death row.The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap! He was dead.
Then it was Van der Merwe turn , and he said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and Van der Merwe fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy
Then Van der Merwe said, "Give me another one of those shots,"so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?"
Van der Merwe replied, "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom."
--------------------------------
Van der Merwe goes to Paris to watch the Boks take on the Brits at the world cup.
Whilst in Paris, he walks around, gaping and staring at everything - so much so that he walks smack bang into a fire hydrant which hits him so hard on the family jewels that he has to be rushed to hospital where the doctors tell him they have to remove his testicles.
Van goes berserk, he bites and snarls at every one and he won't let anybody within 10 metres of him. Eventually they find a South African doctor in the hospital and get him to talk to Van.
He walks up to Van and tells him "Hey Van, die ouens moet jou knaters uithaal."
Van replies "O, okay, ek dog die bliksems wil my test tickets vat."
------------------------
A boer went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," he
told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to boere," the salesman replied. He hurried home, took
a shower, changed his clothes and combed his hair, then came back and again told the
salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to boere," the salesman replied.
"Bliksem, he recognized me," he thought. So he went for a complete disguise this time,
haircut and new color, shaved off the baard, suit and tie, fake glasses, then waited a few days
before he again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." Sorry, we don't sell
to boere," the salesman replied. Frustrated, he exclaimed "Jislaaik, man! How do you know
I'm a boer?" "Because that's a microwave," the salesman replied.
--------------------------------
Van der Merwe went to Australia on vacation. One day he was sitting in one of the Outback
pubs in the North-West of WA drinking Emu Export. As he finished his third, Crocodile
Dundee came and sat next to him at the bar. Being a skeptical person by nature, Van stared at
this guy from head to toe, and at the toe his eyes got stuck. He looked up at Dundee and said:
"Hey, lekker boots my bra. What kind is these, huh??" Croc Dundee: "Hey mate, they're croc
boots" Van: "They don't look broken to me man!" Croc Dundee: "They're crocodile boots,
drongo!" Van: "Oh! Where can I get some?" Croc Dundee: "You just go down to the river and
get yourself a crocodile, mate, and then you got some boots!" Van thought this was a great
idea so he finished his beer and strolled down to the river. Without hesitation he walked into
the river about waist height and started hitting the water with the flat of his hand. Meanwhile,
back at the pub the guys were all standing at the verandah watching this spectacle. About 5
minutes passed when a crocodile floating nearby responded to Van's racket. As he
approached, Van turned around and leaped at the crocodile, literally attacking him. The others
on the porch couldn't believe what they were seeing. An hour had passed when Van finally
grabbed the crocodile in a typical "boere" death grip and dragged him out onto the riverbank.
Before letting go, Van gave the poor croc another couple of punches on the nose. The croc
was out like a candle. Van was soaked in blood, more of the croc's than his own, but nonethe-
less, he was still hurt badly. Van laid the croc down and with an enormous effort he
managed to roll the croc over. He stared down at the croc for what seemed to be ages, before
finally looking up at the very surprised crowd on the porch, and said: "Just my luck, a
crocodile without boots!"
----------------------------
Van's two 18-year-old twin daughters Hettie and Betty are helping Ma van der Merwe
redecorate. They're about to paint a bedroom when Ma sticks her head round the door and
tells them not to get any paint on their dresses. So the girls decide to paint the room in the
nude. Some time later there's a knock on the door. "Who's there?", asks Hettie. "Blind man",
comes the answer. The girls look at each other and decide it can do no harm to let him in.
Betty opens the door and in walks a bloke with a bundle under his arm. "Nice boobs," says the
guy. "Where do you want the blinds?"
wizdumb
New member
A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
'Son, where were you today?'
Son says 'at school dad.'
Robot slaps the son!
'Ok, I watched a dvd at my mates!'
'What dvd?'
'Toy story.'
Robot slaps the son again!
'Ok, it was a porno' cries the son.
'What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was' says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mum laughs 'HaHaHa! He's certainly your son.'
Robot slaps The mum!
He decides to test it at dinner.
'Son, where were you today?'
Son says 'at school dad.'
Robot slaps the son!
'Ok, I watched a dvd at my mates!'
'What dvd?'
'Toy story.'
Robot slaps the son again!
'Ok, it was a porno' cries the son.
'What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was' says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mum laughs 'HaHaHa! He's certainly your son.'
Robot slaps The mum!