5 Gaming relationships doomed to fail

“Love, love, love love love love” sang that one band who sang that other song about some chick called Delilah. Love. It’s the emotion that brings out the best and the worst in us.

And indeed, game characters are not immune to its causality, either – serving as a driving force behind a lot of character motives; being exploited by the resident bad guy; or simply giving a nice distraction along the way.

But we all know that all good things must come to an end – and in the realities of life, there’s no such thing as a happy ending; so why should game characters get away with it?

For some gaming relationships, the warning signs of doom and gloom were there from early on – so put on your cynical-pants, because here are 5 gaming couples whose relationships were doomed from the start.

Squall and Rinoa

Final Fantasy 8 told one of the greatest love stories of its generation (amongst all the other stuff about time travel and witches) – Squall, the introverted mister serious who kept to himself, meets Rinoa, the carefree rebel leader full of passion and zest.

Together they overcome the tremulous odds around them – fighting off evil and discovering their true love for each other.

Why they’re doomed

Except, they happen to be teenagers. True enough, Squall and Rinoa are both 17-years old – and let’s face it; what the hell do they know about love*?

Sure, Squall flung himself into open space to find Rinoa, but what else would you expect from a guy who’s oblivious for half the game, and ends up chasing the first tail that shows any interest in him. Oh wait, that’s not entirely true, either, because he was also blind to the obvious advances of his older, hotter teacher – instead choosing to sulk and brood.

In a few years’ time, Rinoa will probably have started annoying him, prying into his life, constantly asking “what’s wrong? Why aren’t you talking to me?”; Squall will shut Rinoa out, bringing his wealth of issues to the fore until he finally explodes and things will come to an end in a stormy argument.

For shame.

Mario and Peach

Kidnapped (time and time again) by Dragon-reptilian overlord, Bowser, Princess Peach has come to rely on Mario as her very own personal hero and body guard.

Mario, filled with love for his Princess, finds no problem setting out (time and time again) to track down his true love, and save her from the clutches of the beast.

Why they’re doomed

Well, the simple fact is that Mario isn’t around enough. I mean, if he was around more, maybe Peach wouldn’t get kidnapped so often, hmmm? So where is he all that time?

Basically, he’s a plumber – she’s a Princess; and someone needs to work to pay the bills.

It’s unfortunately the way it goes, but in these current times of economic difficulty, the pressures are hitting home – and when your partner is a Princess who demands to live in a castle – well, I’m not sure all those coins Mario collected on his adventures can get them by.

What Mario really needs to do is invest his coins in long-term policies, probably in commodities because they ensure a more solid return on his investment – but sadly that won’t see him through the short-term with a castle-sized Eskom bill to pay.

On the other hand, Bowser has his own castle – so he must manage. Maybe there’s a reason Peach gets “captured” so often?

Just saying.

Drake and Elena

Nathan Drake and Elena Fisher have a strange relationship – starting off with nothing but contempt for each other, Nate’s charms finally broke through Elena’s tough exterior and captured her heart.

Even though they’ve had some rocky patches, with Nate handling a lot of internal struggles – they always seem to come together in the end and share their true love for each other.

Why they’re doomed

Nathan is going to get her killed.

Nathan is one of the unluckiest people to have ever walked the earth – having been blown up, punched, smashed, shot, stabbed, fallen, thrown off of cliffs, attacked by monsters, old ladies and anything with a pulse – he’s really not someone you want to be around.

And while he always manages to scrape through, somehow, it’s only a matter of time before his companions get caught up in the mayhem that is his life.

Add to this his constant thirst for adventure and topping his last adventure (and saving the world from psychos) – someone is going to end up dead – and guess who that’s going to be?

Male Hawke and Anders

Being a mage is a terrible life in the Dragon Age universe – confined to the circle and kept under lock and key like a rabid dog – to catch even a glimpse of anything resembling love is a dream come true.

So much so that when homosexually-inclined Hawke happens upon his path and displays that deep concern and love for him, Anders felt like he could actually live on in life and be happy for once.

Why they’re doomed

Except Anders is a complete psycho.

Firstly, he’s a mage – the world can’t handle the mages because they could change into demons at any given second through the influence of spirits in the fade.

Secondly, that’s already happened and the spirit, “Justice”, has already rooted himself into his mind – effectively making him an abomination.

Thirdly, he’s a manic-depressive crazy man who essentially causes utter and complete havoc for Hawke in the final stages of the game, and is the sole cause for the poop hitting the fan as extremely as it did.

And fourthly, being gay doesn’t help things either. Man-love probably just increases the issue exponentially.*

Even if Hawke sticks it out with him (lol) he’s likely find himself being strangled by Justice for drinking directly out of the milk-bottle, or something.

Shepard and anyone

While saving the world from the onslaught of the Reapers, Commander Shepard can fall in love with a number of characters along the way – be it Kaiden Alenko, your smexy smexy soldier man – or someone a little more alien like Garrus or Liara.

Finding true love…in the outer reaches of space.

Why they’re doomed

The biological mechanics of alien bang-bang aside (let’s not even go there) – as of Mass Effect 2, Commander Shepard is effectively dead.

Sure sure, he/she may have been brought back to life using biotech-doohicky-things – but the fact remains, he/she was pieced back together à la Frankenstein and is now a walking corpse.

And no one really knows the full picture. I dunno, when your partner finds out they’re effectively a necrophiliac, there might be some stomach-churning consequences.

The only crew member who fully understands what was done to bring Shepard back is Miranda – but Shepard shouldn’t trust her as far as he could throw her, because she would probably stab him in the face for leaving the toilet seat up.

But yeah, alien sex? Who KNOWS what might have teeth.

*Disclaimer: These comments are tongue-in-cheek for the purposes of dramatic effect.
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5 Gaming relationships doomed to fail

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